Friday Footy with Tom!

Well our PM has been out of the country (again) for whistle stop tour of much of the world. He’s shared his important insights on sainthoods, climate change, soccer. Kevin is a true renaissance man.

In preparation for the trip the VIP hosties completed an advanced “customer service” course (“tactics on handling unreasonable, demanding, hungry and angry VIPs”). Caterers refreshed the VIP menu (actually KFC is now providing the meals).

The VIP stock of hair dryers and backup hair dryers were checked and rechecked, all working to the level of performance required for VIP hair. We hope our PM returns from a happy, well fed and nicely coiffed world tour.

Acting PM Julia had to restrain herself from announcing a “Medicare Platinum Plus” scheme, just like her “Medicare Gold’ policy, but even better! Sounds great.

The future of the ALP is in good hands.

But on to the more important issues for the nation…

Western Bulldogs v Collingwood

Collingwood are a team of pretenders. They used to represent “working families” (reeeetch!), now they represent the extremes of society. At one end their corporate supporters cavort with Eddie, Tom and Kate. At the other end they hang out with people with names like Kiylliey, Jahyddehn, Khaylienne, Brooklynne and Jett, ie names reserved for the children of second and third generation welfare recipients. Or chosen by current and former Collingwood players for their own children.

Yes, the future Collingwood coach, Bucks, has a boy named “Jett”. Jett Bucks, probably named after Buck Rodgers and Jet Jackson. They are the favourite literary characters for Collingwood supporters – these people only read comics.

High end corporate brown nosers and comic reading boguns – welcome to modern Collingwood.

Dogs to win.

Sydney v Essendon

Knowledge of actual rules is fairly low among Sydney supporters; most conversation between spectators follows something like this –

“Is he allowed to do that?” “yes”

“Are they allowed to do that?” “yes”

“Is he allowed to do that?” “yes”

Repeat by 100 during each game.

Essendon to win. Are they allowed to do that? Yes

Carlton v Richmond

Strange as it may seem, these teams were regarded as powerhouses of the competition a couple of decades ago. Carlton were powerful cheats and criminals, they were run by successive boards that brought their non existent standards of corporate governance to a football club. They cheated to win their last premiership.

The Carlton record of premiership success is tainted by cheating.

Richmond used to win respect far and wide for having such a feral band of supporters. They still have the same feral supporters, but compared to the version from Alberton that visit about Melbourne about every fortnight, Richmond just isn’t the standard bearer these days. This Victorian club has lost the crown of “most feral supporters” to Port.

Come on Tigers, don’t cop it. Fight back, you’re the most feral, RECLAIM YOUR HERITAGE!

Carlton to win, but is anyone interested?

Brisbane v Geelong

Geelong, a club run by one of the most successful green grocers in the country. A true Geelong success story, people in Geelong admire food.

People in Brisbane admire shonky development, go Cats.

Adelaide v Fremantle

Wasn’t it hilarious when Fremantle were beaten last week, after playing so well? Mark Harvey is on the ropes. A thrashing by Adelaide this week will have the President “express his full confidence” in Harvey . He’ll be a goner after that.

Adelaide to give that nail a hammering.

Hawthorn v North Melbourne

Hawthorn is certainly following the traditional Kennett trajectory, quick success followed by enduring and dismal failure. Disappointment and underperformance is the hallmark of President Kennett leadership.

So what’s wrong with Hawthorn? They need a cleanout, so start at the top. Get some dodgy property developer as president, just like the good old days when our hatred of Hawthorn had very little logical justification. Unlike now.

North to do it for their completely unknown coach, and very minor celebrity president.

Melbourne v Port Adelaide

Port beat Brisbane in a surprise, shock, and astonishing upset win last week. Voss should have been dismissed.

Melbourne beat the Eagles last week, for President Jim. Here at Blogocrats Footy Preview, we ask the difficult questions, and my question for President Jim is – “Did you buy a ticket in the MFC stripper raffle of a decade or so ago?” A simple yes or no will do Jim.

Port Adelaide supporters will be smiling after this game and that is an ugly sight – most are missing a few teeth.

West Coast v St Kilda

Fresh from defeat by Melbourne , the Eagles face the rampaging saints. St Kilda should be sponsored by the HMAS Success, such is their collective moral character. Or they should have a team in the NRL.

The NRL player that “defecated” in the hotel corridor recently had to use a dictionary to find out what he’d done. At St Kilda they are educated enough to not require this research.

Saints to win.

Friday Footy with Tom!

Footy Preview Round 13

Well what a week!

Michael Jackson is apparently unavailable to play at the Grand Final, so it will have to be the Seekers. I thought he’d been dead for years. Nice complexion.

If Michael Jackson was a football supporter, I think he’d support Carlton , for the reasons outlined in the hard hitting match review below.

All umpiring has again been a contentious issue across the board. Claims of bias and unfairness have flow thick and fast. And usually more thick than fast.

And who’d have though politicians would spend the week behaving like politicians, ie just like low life, self seeking grubs, who would prefer to indulge themselves in complete bull$#it, as long as it is all at our expense.

Democracy at its best.

Why on earth does Kev need a free ute? I’d have thought his recently and significantly deflated wife could afford to chop the back off a series 7 BMW!

Last week James reminded us that he’d tipped Port Adelaide to be a hopeless team this year. This week I am seeking to ensure that I’m soon able to make a similar claim, whoever turns out to be the dudest team.

Essendon v Carlton

In the rich tradition of Carlton , former president and owner of the Liberal Party, John Elliott this week owned up that he protected criminals within his club – rapists. What an outstanding contribution to public life this man has made.

Carlton must have a higher allocation of criminals than any other club. Former coaches, a couple of presidents, current players, past players. Fev. Remember when John Doratich was arrested for exposing his buttocks?

And Menzies and Fraser are former number 1 ticket holders.

The entire club should be arrested.

The place is poison. And yet they are still up themselves! The Carlton hierarchy are full of so much hot air, there ought to be a CPRS scheme specifically for them.

People that are new to football are always surprised to learn that there was a time that we were interested in the result of a game between these traditional clubs, Essendon & Carlton.


Wake me up when it’s over. I think Carlton are over rated. I also think Essendon are over rated.

In this game it is a pity there has to be a result. My tip is Essendon 1.15, Carlton 0.12. This will be a game that will bore supporters of both clubs, and one that should undermine any remaining corporate sponsorship for either club, hopefully Carlton will never recover.

The West Sydney Blues, and remember where you heard it first!

Eagles v Hawthorn

This is a big game.

I understand that the Eagles are intending to emulate the Hawthorn board structure.

Just like Hawthorn, the Eagles intend to appoint a former politician as President. Yes, Brian Bourke is set to take over.

Attendance at the snout in the trough pregame lunches will be compulsory for those wishing to remain in business. Some big, tattooed bald blokes will make up the fund raising committees. Best just pay up and don’t ask any annoying questions.

Bourke’s offsider, Julian Grills will be “Director of Umpire Liaison”, which means he has a discussion with the umpires, before each game.

“We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way” will be his friendly introduction. The consequence of this streamlined administration means that instant success will follow, without the tediousness of getting some new players and rebuilding.

The Eagles will get about 9 goals from free kicks and win easily.

But with regard to actual players, West Coast is the most hopeless team in the competition

Geelong v Port Adelaide

Port is the most hopeless team in the competition, hoons, criminals and tax dodging slumlords seem to make up much of their supporter base. And that’s just one person who doesn’t even live in Adelaide !

Their support base is low because of the Australian legal process, most Port supporters have orders against them preventing “consorting with known criminals”.

How on earth can you get their supporters to a game with that type of restriction?

No wonder they are in strife.

Geelong put the nail in Williams coaching coffin.

Collingwood v Fremantle

Fremantle is the most hopeless team in the competition.

But Collingwood supporters think a dual trade is breaking AND entering.

Collingwood to win.

Adelaide v Sydney

Snowtown/Truro United FC sometimes show glimpses of their true ability. That’s when they play hopelessly.

Sydney need a former politician as a President. I think Bob Hawke, with the ever lovely Blanche.

Hawke would reinstitute all the traditional Sydney the crowd pleasers; he’d have the dancing girls return. He would be inclined to select them personally, 2 or 3 at a time.

Sydney will win easily.

Brisbane v Melbourne

Melbourne is the most hopeless team in the competition. What is there to say? Send them to the Gold Coast.

Brisbane by about 15 goals.

North Melbourne v Dogs

North want Bucks as coach! The club that brought us the Wayne Carey/Kellie Stevens imbroglio wants Mrs Bucks around the club rooms.

They should have learnt their lesson by now!

North is the most hopeless team in the competition. Dogs by about 10 goals.

St Kilda v Richmond

Richmond is the most hopeless team in the competition.

St Kilda will be in cruise control, ready for a big party after the game!

Friday Footy with Tom

Footy preview round 12 …continued

Laidley has GONE! What did I say? Remember when I commented that he was a carcass not a coach?

Remember where you get the most accurate and informed sports and political commentary – yes, right here on Blogocrats Pty Ltd* (refer below for your once in a lifetime investment opportunity).

It needs to be pointed out that the annoying part of this all too short Dean Laidley saga is that the football press just didn’t do their jobs. He was not under sufficient media pressure, the gossip and scrutiny was entirely inadequate. We scarcely had an opportunity to savour his miserable and public humiliation.

He kept too much dignity. I ask – is this what the game is about? I think not. It was a totally unsatisfying way for a coach to end their career. I, along with other football lovers, feel deprived of this most interesting and entertaining aspect of the game.

Thought with Laidley gone, the wheel turns. Who’s next – Williams? Malthouse? Harvey ? Bailey? Let’s just hope that the press do a better job in creating plenty of unwarranted undermining speculation, whoever they happen to have in their sights.

We can all hope that Malthouse goes. Collingwood are desperate to get Bucks as coach next year. His wife is very popular with several members of the leadership group too. Everyone will be happy.

Bucks will land a job with one of the clubs, and Collingwood seems appropriate. It is a forgotten piece of footy history that Bucks left Brisbane as he wanted to play with a successful club, he wanted to play finals football. Instead, he chose Collingwood. He could have stayed with the Brisbane Bears and played in 3 premiership teams, probably as captain.

It is sweetly ironic that he twice experienced loosing grand finals to the club he walked out on.

He should coach Collingwood, this will allow his bad choice record to continue.

In other news, President Kennett of Hawthorn has apologised to the club supporters for the performance of his footy team.

Fair shake of the sauce bottle Jeff!! How about a long overdue apology for the state that you left Victoria in??? Most of us think we are also owed plenty of compensation, paid personally by President Kennett, for the performance of his team of about 10 years ago.

Incidentally, there are 3 games on…

Sydney v Collingwood

The Collingwood Cheer Squad will arrive at the game, directly from a full 24 hours at the Bourbon and Beefsteak. They won’t be in good condition, they’ll be grumpy and feisty. Looking for trouble.

The Sydney supporters really don’t know much about the game. The crowd is always full of drunk, but inoffensive, Irish tourists and families from Waverly, plus a few Oxford St types who were drawn to the game when Warwick Capper was playing in his size 28 shorts.

The Collingwood supporters will create mayhem. They will thrash the Sydney supporters in violence, vomiting and obscene invective. Collingwood fans have these vitals supporter skills that are as good as any in the competition.

Sydney will however win the game of football.

Essendon v Melbourne

People say Melbourne have a young team, I agree, a young team of talentless losers.

Coach Bailey should get plenty of scrutiny, press speculation and undermining after the thrashing Melbourne will get.

Fremantle v Geelong

If Fremantle are beaten by less than 20 goals, Harvey will keep his job for a couple more weeks.

If beaten by more than 20 he may go, even before Williams. The longevity of Harvey is the only result in doubt for this game.

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Get Them While They’re Young!

No, it’s not a post enouraging pedophiles, it’s a guest post from Tom of Melbourne!

Unions NSW and the ACTU have launched a brand new method of indoctrinating the young.

They intend to sign up school children as unionists, at the “cut price’ of $10 per month. Seems a bit steep to me. Though if the union is any good we will see some very innovative excuses for homework not being done and poor grades. The unions would only have to recycle the excuses they currently provide for the performance of employees.

Our children will be able to visit unionised workplaces (HOORAY!!) and non union ones (BOOOO!), apparently escorted by some hack. I wonder which ones will come up looking better? Will “GOOD” or “EVIL” seem better?

No doubt our little ones will be taught the “WADDA WE WAN??!!, (something unattainable or economically unsustainable), WENNA WE WANIT?!!! – NOW!!!” mantra.

As if children need more training on how to make unreasonable demands.

Thankfully unions haven’t initiated a similar program aimed at wives and mistresses.

Tom of Melbourne