Friday Footy with Tom!

For those that may be interested – Tom’s Footy Preview.

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Friday Footy with Tom!

Well our PM has been out of the country (again) for whistle stop tour of much of the world. He’s shared his important insights on sainthoods, climate change, soccer. Kevin is a true renaissance man.

In preparation for the trip the VIP hosties completed an advanced “customer service” course (“tactics on handling unreasonable, demanding, hungry and angry VIPs”). Caterers refreshed the VIP menu (actually KFC is now providing the meals).

The VIP stock of hair dryers and backup hair dryers were checked and rechecked, all working to the level of performance required for VIP hair. We hope our PM returns from a happy, well fed and nicely coiffed world tour.

Acting PM Julia had to restrain herself from announcing a “Medicare Platinum Plus” scheme, just like her “Medicare Gold’ policy, but even better! Sounds great.

The future of the ALP is in good hands.

But on to the more important issues for the nation…

Western Bulldogs v Collingwood

Collingwood are a team of pretenders. They used to represent “working families” (reeeetch!), now they represent the extremes of society. At one end their corporate supporters cavort with Eddie, Tom and Kate. At the other end they hang out with people with names like Kiylliey, Jahyddehn, Khaylienne, Brooklynne and Jett, ie names reserved for the children of second and third generation welfare recipients. Or chosen by current and former Collingwood players for their own children.

Yes, the future Collingwood coach, Bucks, has a boy named “Jett”. Jett Bucks, probably named after Buck Rodgers and Jet Jackson. They are the favourite literary characters for Collingwood supporters – these people only read comics.

High end corporate brown nosers and comic reading boguns – welcome to modern Collingwood.

Dogs to win.

Sydney v Essendon

Knowledge of actual rules is fairly low among Sydney supporters; most conversation between spectators follows something like this –

“Is he allowed to do that?” “yes”

“Are they allowed to do that?” “yes”

“Is he allowed to do that?” “yes”

Repeat by 100 during each game.

Essendon to win. Are they allowed to do that? Yes

Carlton v Richmond

Strange as it may seem, these teams were regarded as powerhouses of the competition a couple of decades ago. Carlton were powerful cheats and criminals, they were run by successive boards that brought their non existent standards of corporate governance to a football club. They cheated to win their last premiership.

The Carlton record of premiership success is tainted by cheating.

Richmond used to win respect far and wide for having such a feral band of supporters. They still have the same feral supporters, but compared to the version from Alberton that visit about Melbourne about every fortnight, Richmond just isn’t the standard bearer these days. This Victorian club has lost the crown of “most feral supporters” to Port.

Come on Tigers, don’t cop it. Fight back, you’re the most feral, RECLAIM YOUR HERITAGE!

Carlton to win, but is anyone interested?

Brisbane v Geelong

Geelong, a club run by one of the most successful green grocers in the country. A true Geelong success story, people in Geelong admire food.

People in Brisbane admire shonky development, go Cats.

Adelaide v Fremantle

Wasn’t it hilarious when Fremantle were beaten last week, after playing so well? Mark Harvey is on the ropes. A thrashing by Adelaide this week will have the President “express his full confidence” in Harvey . He’ll be a goner after that.

Adelaide to give that nail a hammering.

Hawthorn v North Melbourne

Hawthorn is certainly following the traditional Kennett trajectory, quick success followed by enduring and dismal failure. Disappointment and underperformance is the hallmark of President Kennett leadership.

So what’s wrong with Hawthorn? They need a cleanout, so start at the top. Get some dodgy property developer as president, just like the good old days when our hatred of Hawthorn had very little logical justification. Unlike now.

North to do it for their completely unknown coach, and very minor celebrity president.

Melbourne v Port Adelaide

Port beat Brisbane in a surprise, shock, and astonishing upset win last week. Voss should have been dismissed.

Melbourne beat the Eagles last week, for President Jim. Here at Blogocrats Footy Preview, we ask the difficult questions, and my question for President Jim is – “Did you buy a ticket in the MFC stripper raffle of a decade or so ago?” A simple yes or no will do Jim.

Port Adelaide supporters will be smiling after this game and that is an ugly sight – most are missing a few teeth.

West Coast v St Kilda

Fresh from defeat by Melbourne , the Eagles face the rampaging saints. St Kilda should be sponsored by the HMAS Success, such is their collective moral character. Or they should have a team in the NRL.

The NRL player that “defecated” in the hotel corridor recently had to use a dictionary to find out what he’d done. At St Kilda they are educated enough to not require this research.

Saints to win.

Friday Footy with Tom!

Footy Preview Round 13

Well what a week!

Michael Jackson is apparently unavailable to play at the Grand Final, so it will have to be the Seekers. I thought he’d been dead for years. Nice complexion.

If Michael Jackson was a football supporter, I think he’d support Carlton , for the reasons outlined in the hard hitting match review below.

All umpiring has again been a contentious issue across the board. Claims of bias and unfairness have flow thick and fast. And usually more thick than fast.

And who’d have though politicians would spend the week behaving like politicians, ie just like low life, self seeking grubs, who would prefer to indulge themselves in complete bull$#it, as long as it is all at our expense.

Democracy at its best.

Why on earth does Kev need a free ute? I’d have thought his recently and significantly deflated wife could afford to chop the back off a series 7 BMW!

Last week James reminded us that he’d tipped Port Adelaide to be a hopeless team this year. This week I am seeking to ensure that I’m soon able to make a similar claim, whoever turns out to be the dudest team.

Essendon v Carlton

In the rich tradition of Carlton , former president and owner of the Liberal Party, John Elliott this week owned up that he protected criminals within his club – rapists. What an outstanding contribution to public life this man has made.

Carlton must have a higher allocation of criminals than any other club. Former coaches, a couple of presidents, current players, past players. Fev. Remember when John Doratich was arrested for exposing his buttocks?

And Menzies and Fraser are former number 1 ticket holders.

The entire club should be arrested.

The place is poison. And yet they are still up themselves! The Carlton hierarchy are full of so much hot air, there ought to be a CPRS scheme specifically for them.

People that are new to football are always surprised to learn that there was a time that we were interested in the result of a game between these traditional clubs, Essendon & Carlton.

Yawn.

Wake me up when it’s over. I think Carlton are over rated. I also think Essendon are over rated.

In this game it is a pity there has to be a result. My tip is Essendon 1.15, Carlton 0.12. This will be a game that will bore supporters of both clubs, and one that should undermine any remaining corporate sponsorship for either club, hopefully Carlton will never recover.

The West Sydney Blues, and remember where you heard it first!

Eagles v Hawthorn

This is a big game.

I understand that the Eagles are intending to emulate the Hawthorn board structure.

Just like Hawthorn, the Eagles intend to appoint a former politician as President. Yes, Brian Bourke is set to take over.

Attendance at the snout in the trough pregame lunches will be compulsory for those wishing to remain in business. Some big, tattooed bald blokes will make up the fund raising committees. Best just pay up and don’t ask any annoying questions.

Bourke’s offsider, Julian Grills will be “Director of Umpire Liaison”, which means he has a discussion with the umpires, before each game.

“We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way” will be his friendly introduction. The consequence of this streamlined administration means that instant success will follow, without the tediousness of getting some new players and rebuilding.

The Eagles will get about 9 goals from free kicks and win easily.

But with regard to actual players, West Coast is the most hopeless team in the competition

Geelong v Port Adelaide

Port is the most hopeless team in the competition, hoons, criminals and tax dodging slumlords seem to make up much of their supporter base. And that’s just one person who doesn’t even live in Adelaide !

Their support base is low because of the Australian legal process, most Port supporters have orders against them preventing “consorting with known criminals”.

How on earth can you get their supporters to a game with that type of restriction?

No wonder they are in strife.

Geelong put the nail in Williams coaching coffin.

Collingwood v Fremantle

Fremantle is the most hopeless team in the competition.

But Collingwood supporters think a dual trade is breaking AND entering.

Collingwood to win.

Adelaide v Sydney

Snowtown/Truro United FC sometimes show glimpses of their true ability. That’s when they play hopelessly.

Sydney need a former politician as a President. I think Bob Hawke, with the ever lovely Blanche.

Hawke would reinstitute all the traditional Sydney the crowd pleasers; he’d have the dancing girls return. He would be inclined to select them personally, 2 or 3 at a time.

Sydney will win easily.

Brisbane v Melbourne

Melbourne is the most hopeless team in the competition. What is there to say? Send them to the Gold Coast.

Brisbane by about 15 goals.

North Melbourne v Dogs

North want Bucks as coach! The club that brought us the Wayne Carey/Kellie Stevens imbroglio wants Mrs Bucks around the club rooms.

They should have learnt their lesson by now!

North is the most hopeless team in the competition. Dogs by about 10 goals.

St Kilda v Richmond

Richmond is the most hopeless team in the competition.

St Kilda will be in cruise control, ready for a big party after the game!

Friday Footy with Tom

Footy preview round 12 …continued

Laidley has GONE! What did I say? Remember when I commented that he was a carcass not a coach?

Remember where you get the most accurate and informed sports and political commentary – yes, right here on Blogocrats Pty Ltd* (refer below for your once in a lifetime investment opportunity).

It needs to be pointed out that the annoying part of this all too short Dean Laidley saga is that the football press just didn’t do their jobs. He was not under sufficient media pressure, the gossip and scrutiny was entirely inadequate. We scarcely had an opportunity to savour his miserable and public humiliation.

He kept too much dignity. I ask – is this what the game is about? I think not. It was a totally unsatisfying way for a coach to end their career. I, along with other football lovers, feel deprived of this most interesting and entertaining aspect of the game.

Thought with Laidley gone, the wheel turns. Who’s next – Williams? Malthouse? Harvey ? Bailey? Let’s just hope that the press do a better job in creating plenty of unwarranted undermining speculation, whoever they happen to have in their sights.

We can all hope that Malthouse goes. Collingwood are desperate to get Bucks as coach next year. His wife is very popular with several members of the leadership group too. Everyone will be happy.

Bucks will land a job with one of the clubs, and Collingwood seems appropriate. It is a forgotten piece of footy history that Bucks left Brisbane as he wanted to play with a successful club, he wanted to play finals football. Instead, he chose Collingwood. He could have stayed with the Brisbane Bears and played in 3 premiership teams, probably as captain.

It is sweetly ironic that he twice experienced loosing grand finals to the club he walked out on.

He should coach Collingwood, this will allow his bad choice record to continue.

In other news, President Kennett of Hawthorn has apologised to the club supporters for the performance of his footy team.

Fair shake of the sauce bottle Jeff!! How about a long overdue apology for the state that you left Victoria in??? Most of us think we are also owed plenty of compensation, paid personally by President Kennett, for the performance of his team of about 10 years ago.

Incidentally, there are 3 games on…

Sydney v Collingwood

The Collingwood Cheer Squad will arrive at the game, directly from a full 24 hours at the Bourbon and Beefsteak. They won’t be in good condition, they’ll be grumpy and feisty. Looking for trouble.

The Sydney supporters really don’t know much about the game. The crowd is always full of drunk, but inoffensive, Irish tourists and families from Waverly, plus a few Oxford St types who were drawn to the game when Warwick Capper was playing in his size 28 shorts.

The Collingwood supporters will create mayhem. They will thrash the Sydney supporters in violence, vomiting and obscene invective. Collingwood fans have these vitals supporter skills that are as good as any in the competition.

Sydney will however win the game of football.

Essendon v Melbourne

People say Melbourne have a young team, I agree, a young team of talentless losers.

Coach Bailey should get plenty of scrutiny, press speculation and undermining after the thrashing Melbourne will get.

Fremantle v Geelong

If Fremantle are beaten by less than 20 goals, Harvey will keep his job for a couple more weeks.

If beaten by more than 20 he may go, even before Williams. The longevity of Harvey is the only result in doubt for this game.

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Friday Footy!

Footy Preview – Round 9, with Tom of Melbourne…

Well what a huge week this has been.

Did someone allege that the “bar towel in the bag thief mum” was a bogan? It was raised on this very site during the week. This is not possible. There is no evidence at all that this poor woman is a Richmond supporter. Has anyone seen any evidence of a tattoo on either of her breasts? NO!

Ipso facto, that woman is no Richmond supporter; therefore she is not a bogan.

Besides she is in her mid 30s and her oldest child is 12. If she was a tigers supporter/bogan, she’d have several grandchildren by now. She’d be known as the “bar towel in the bag thief nanna”.

Then Richmond sacked and unsacked their coach during the week. They’re confused and this is bad for Richmond . In my opinion that makes the whole episode worthwhile.

If it is bad for Richmond , the rest of us should make the most of the entertainment.

The games…

Geelong vs Dogs. Geelong is tired from kicking too many goals. They’ll remain tired. The dogs are gone, it is over. 300 games from Akka? That bloke talks so much that he will finish up being President of Hawthorn when he finally retires. Geelong by about 25 goals.

West Coast Eagles vs Collingwood. Eddie McGuire is the most successful person ever to support Collingwood, and he is only a failed TV executive.

West Coast are buffed and waxed, they’ve been taking their “vitamins” and “energy supplements”. They picked them up in bulk from “Bandidos Motorcycle Club & Health Supplies”. Eagles will win.

North vs Fremantle. Bland vs bland, can anyone name the captain of either club? Once the media have finished with devouring Terry Wallace, they’ll turn their attention to whoever it is that is coaching North. Fremantle will win a game that no one cares about.

Adelaide vs Carlton . Carlton people miss the glory days, when Malcolm Fraser was number 1 ticket holder, John Elliott was president of salary cap rorts (and chief of corporate dodgy deals), and John Doratich was arrested for exposing himself. Those were the days! Brendan Fevola tries but cannot match it with the great exposers of Carlton ’s past.

However, this is a rich Carlton tradition – Adelaide cannot hope to match it for decades, not matter how often they select Nathan Bock. Carlton easily.

Richmond vs Essendon. Richmond supporters were spewin’ after their narrow defeat last week. That’s the type of jargon they use at tigerland. It is good for football to have the them spewin’, they will be spewin’ again this week.

Sydney vs Port. Port Adelaide players celebrated their narrow and undeserving win last week with the traditional fashion – a gallon each of Jim Beam and coke. This is the upmarket drink in Alberton. They’ve been drinking it ever since. They drink Jim Beam and coke during the trip from Adelaide to Sydney , and Port always travel by bus, it allows more time for drinking. The Port bogans will tumble off the bus, full, and move straight to defeat. That’s also good for football.

St Kilda vs Brisbane . Remember when the Lions were a team of he-men? They roughed up poor Nicky Riewoldt after he had broken his collar bone. Brisbane is far more gentlemanly and polite these days, and that is exactly why they’ll loose.

Hawthorn vs Melbourne . Melbourne president Jim Stynes enjoys pontificating, he has been lecturing everyone about everything. His current subject is about not having strippers in the club rooms. What type of football club is he trying to run? A footy club for woosies? Hawthorn will win because Kennett will be tied up at the president’s lunch agreeing with Stynes and will be unable to deliver his demotivating motivational speech.

It’s about time James returned with a footy preview. Hurry up James.

It’s a good thing that Adrian has returned. Who do you barrack for Adrian ? I’m happy to prepare a review of your favourite team.

Friday Footy!

Round 7 AFL Preview – by Tom of Melbourne

What a dud game the ‘show downs” were.

The one in Adelaide offered no surprises and no highlights. Everyone knows that the criminal classes will always overcome the show ponies.

Over in the west, the drug busts continue to take their toll on the performance of the Eagles. Having a pharmacist as a coach is simply no substitute to having Benny working his magic around the club.

On to my tips for this week –

Essendon vs Hawthorn. Essendon have a good chance if Kennett has provided any motivational speeches to the Hawthorn playing group during the week. A speech by Kennett is about as effective on team morale as a dose of botulism.

Frankly, most of the shoe salesmen and property development types that turn up at the Hawthorn President’s Lunch on game day use the time consumed by Kennett’s address to jam their fingers down their throat.

This allows for a much more comfortable afternoon of over consumption of cheap wine, meatless party pies, reconstituted deep fried animal gristle and stale scones.

The Hawthorn club song should be to the tune of grinding teeth, the rendition accompanied by the chorus of “REEEEECH!!”

Essendon will win because Kennett just won’t shut up.

Geelong vs Sydney . Geelong is run by a major player in the green grocery industry. The players have to eat all their veggies.

Sydney needs to get Leanne Edelsten back to help harden up the resolve of the entire team. Hardening them up one, maybe 2 players, at a time, certainly no more than 3 at once. Do they call it a “resolve” in Sydney ? (remember this? – http://www.theage.com.au/ftimages/2007/09/14/1189276957577.html).

Those were the days that football club presidents contributed meaningfully to the morale of the club.

People in Sydney don’t have any morals. Geelong will win easily.

Richmond vs Brisbane . I think the Richmond players will perform at the level required to ensure that their supporters refrain from spitting at them as they depart the ground. That’s about as good as things ever get at Tigerland.

Richmond will fall over the line, Ben Cousins will check the quality of the line.

Tiger supporters will have to save their phlegm until next week, when they play Port. Now that will be a big game. It raises an important question for the football community – who has the more feral supporters? The game next week will help sort out the answer.

While some may find amusement in the injury to Matthew Richardson, I certainly don’t! He’s a Richmond character through and through – he blames his mates if he doesn’t take a mark. I think he’d lob a mouthful of phlegm at them if the cameras weren’t on. There should be more of it, particularly at Richmond , and I believe there is at training.

North vs Port Adelaide. North are very much like Port.

Wayne Carey should have finished his career with them, rather than Adelaide . Have you seen the step mum of the Cornes boys? She is ideal for Wayne , and after all Carey is quite experienced in resisting arrest, so he certainly has a future as a skills coach at Port. Given the talent off the field, I think he’ll coach for free.

The North “shin boner” tradition is entirely consistent with the preference of Port Adelaide players and supporters for raw meat. Port players enjoy eating raw meat (that they’ve slaughtered with their bare fists), so I think Port will get up.

Carlton vs Fremantle. Weren’t we all laughing last week as Brendon Fevola hit the post with the kick that should have won the match for DIck Pratt? Fevola should grow up; otherwise he’ll never be Chief Marketing & Luncheon Director with Visy.

I think Fremantle will be 5 goals up with 10 minutes to play; they’ll then lose by 2 goals.

Adelaide vs Western Bulldogs. Adelaide are front runners. They are an artificial club, created by the SANFL marketing department. They don’t deserve the success they’ve had so far, and karma means they’re in for a decade of wallowing near the bottom of the ladder. I can’t wait for the next decade.

Bulldogs will win, because they are pathetic losers who win when they shouldn’t.

West Coast vs Melbourne . Traditionally both amateur and professional pharmacists have had a big influence at the Eagles. They should be sponsored by Bex. Melbourne are broke and they have an unknown and totally unsuccessful coach. They’re going nowhere except in reverse. So I’m tipping Melbourne to win easily.

Collingwood vs St Kilda. St Kilda have improved since they got rid of their celebrity president. They now have one that no one knows. This is as it should be.

Collingwood love the celebrities. That’s because their fans are very, very stupid people who watch too much television. Collingwood supporters only read the TV guide; they move their lips during this activity, as they find it mentally challenging.

My tip is that Natalie Bassingthwaighte or Dannie Minogue will replace Eddie McGuire as president by the end of the season.

St Kilda will win by about 20 goals.

Well that’s it from me, hopefully – next week James can return.