The John Howard Memorial Cricket Tragic Thread (I)

In a mark of respect to our former PM, we will have a thread for each Ashes Test match. And I think that we need to have his bowling as a fitting start to the first test.

So let’s bring all the cricket chat into here.

Friday Footy with Tom

James has again failed to provide a footy preview, so this will have to do.

What a big week for the monogamous, respectable and upright AFL competition, if we ignore St Kilda.

Richmond vs Port. This is a big game for the supporters of both clubs; it will help resolve one of the main talking points among all football supporters – which team has the most feral barrackers?

The Richmond mob have been saving up their phlegm for this one. Terry Wallace will be issued with protective clothing for this game – a wetsuit, in club colours. The coach will put it on just before the end of the game. The very skilled members of tigers cheer squad can lob a gorbie a long way after a defeat, as Terry well knows.

On balance I think Richmond supporters will prove to be very feral. The Port rabble are mainly on the dole, and can therefore afford to drive hoon style cars such as a Ford G6E or something noisier with fat wheels.

By contrast, Tiger fans often have important jobs such as selling stolen TVs at the pub, and they are more likely to steal their vehicles.

Richmond will win the feral fans contest because their team will loose.

Dogs v Melbourne . A little like Richmond people, Bulldogs supporters spit a lot, though it’s usually because they’re drunk. A warm bottle of beer in a paper bag is the preferred vintage of the traditional Footscray supporters. Melbourne supporters enjoy a young sauvignon blanc. Expect a crowd of about 2,000 to cheer the dogs to victory. It has snowed early and therefore there will be no Melbourne supports present.

Fremantle vs Hawthorn. Hawthorn should win well. It is in the West, and they won’t hear as much from Jeff Kennett.

Geelong vs North. North is finished. By the end of the year they’ll be called the Gold Coast Lifesavers and wearing red and yellow. Geelong easily.

Brisbane vs Adelaide . After the weak, insipid, pathetic, weak, gutless, dismal, weak performance by Adelaide last week, Brisbane will flog them. So they should because Adelaide isn’t a real football team.

Sydney vs West Coast. This depends on whether the Eagles boys get to the game on time. I expect Daniel Kerr will be involved in “an incident” at a nightclub in Darlinghurst Rd at about 7am. Then about 45 minutes before the game is to start, he will still be “helping police with their enquiries”. Sydney players are more familiar with the tawdry glitz, so they’ll be on time to the game, and less hung over.

Collingwood vs Carlton . Has anyone ever tired of seeing Carlton loose? No. Has anyone ever tired of seeing Collingwood loose? Also no. Tipping this result is a dilemma so I hope the game has lots of fights (resulting in lots of long suspensions). The fans riot and thousands are arrested. The game is abandoned halfway through the 3rd quarter. Failing this optimal result, Carlton to win.

St K vs Essendon. My tip is that Nick Riewoldt will hook up with a new Neighbours starlet after the game, another blonde one. St Kilda to win.

Tom of Melbourne

Friday Footy!

Round 7 AFL Preview – by Tom of Melbourne

What a dud game the ‘show downs” were.

The one in Adelaide offered no surprises and no highlights. Everyone knows that the criminal classes will always overcome the show ponies.

Over in the west, the drug busts continue to take their toll on the performance of the Eagles. Having a pharmacist as a coach is simply no substitute to having Benny working his magic around the club.

On to my tips for this week –

Essendon vs Hawthorn. Essendon have a good chance if Kennett has provided any motivational speeches to the Hawthorn playing group during the week. A speech by Kennett is about as effective on team morale as a dose of botulism.

Frankly, most of the shoe salesmen and property development types that turn up at the Hawthorn President’s Lunch on game day use the time consumed by Kennett’s address to jam their fingers down their throat.

This allows for a much more comfortable afternoon of over consumption of cheap wine, meatless party pies, reconstituted deep fried animal gristle and stale scones.

The Hawthorn club song should be to the tune of grinding teeth, the rendition accompanied by the chorus of “REEEEECH!!”

Essendon will win because Kennett just won’t shut up.

Geelong vs Sydney . Geelong is run by a major player in the green grocery industry. The players have to eat all their veggies.

Sydney needs to get Leanne Edelsten back to help harden up the resolve of the entire team. Hardening them up one, maybe 2 players, at a time, certainly no more than 3 at once. Do they call it a “resolve” in Sydney ? (remember this? – http://www.theage.com.au/ftimages/2007/09/14/1189276957577.html).

Those were the days that football club presidents contributed meaningfully to the morale of the club.

People in Sydney don’t have any morals. Geelong will win easily.

Richmond vs Brisbane . I think the Richmond players will perform at the level required to ensure that their supporters refrain from spitting at them as they depart the ground. That’s about as good as things ever get at Tigerland.

Richmond will fall over the line, Ben Cousins will check the quality of the line.

Tiger supporters will have to save their phlegm until next week, when they play Port. Now that will be a big game. It raises an important question for the football community – who has the more feral supporters? The game next week will help sort out the answer.

While some may find amusement in the injury to Matthew Richardson, I certainly don’t! He’s a Richmond character through and through – he blames his mates if he doesn’t take a mark. I think he’d lob a mouthful of phlegm at them if the cameras weren’t on. There should be more of it, particularly at Richmond , and I believe there is at training.

North vs Port Adelaide. North are very much like Port.

Wayne Carey should have finished his career with them, rather than Adelaide . Have you seen the step mum of the Cornes boys? She is ideal for Wayne , and after all Carey is quite experienced in resisting arrest, so he certainly has a future as a skills coach at Port. Given the talent off the field, I think he’ll coach for free.

The North “shin boner” tradition is entirely consistent with the preference of Port Adelaide players and supporters for raw meat. Port players enjoy eating raw meat (that they’ve slaughtered with their bare fists), so I think Port will get up.

Carlton vs Fremantle. Weren’t we all laughing last week as Brendon Fevola hit the post with the kick that should have won the match for DIck Pratt? Fevola should grow up; otherwise he’ll never be Chief Marketing & Luncheon Director with Visy.

I think Fremantle will be 5 goals up with 10 minutes to play; they’ll then lose by 2 goals.

Adelaide vs Western Bulldogs. Adelaide are front runners. They are an artificial club, created by the SANFL marketing department. They don’t deserve the success they’ve had so far, and karma means they’re in for a decade of wallowing near the bottom of the ladder. I can’t wait for the next decade.

Bulldogs will win, because they are pathetic losers who win when they shouldn’t.

West Coast vs Melbourne . Traditionally both amateur and professional pharmacists have had a big influence at the Eagles. They should be sponsored by Bex. Melbourne are broke and they have an unknown and totally unsuccessful coach. They’re going nowhere except in reverse. So I’m tipping Melbourne to win easily.

Collingwood vs St Kilda. St Kilda have improved since they got rid of their celebrity president. They now have one that no one knows. This is as it should be.

Collingwood love the celebrities. That’s because their fans are very, very stupid people who watch too much television. Collingwood supporters only read the TV guide; they move their lips during this activity, as they find it mentally challenging.

My tip is that Natalie Bassingthwaighte or Dannie Minogue will replace Eddie McGuire as president by the end of the season.

St Kilda will win by about 20 goals.

Well that’s it from me, hopefully – next week James can return.

AFL by Tom

It’s been a big week on football.

Hawthorn President Jeff Kennett has taken on the AFL administration/warlords over umpires.

What a dilemma!! Who to barrack for?

I’m supporting a nil all draw with lots of injuries. Kennett with concussion, Demitriou taking a tongue lashing. Continue reading

The Locker Room

Now that the footy seasons are underway, there has been discussion of a weekly sports thread – so here it is.

I am one of those tweed-wearing rugby supporters (is that why I used to vote Democrat in the senate). My team is the Tahs. I normally have season tickets but this year we have decided to give it a miss.

So let’s keep all sports discussion here you fun lovin’ sportocrats.

(And if any of the sportlovers wants to own this Thursday thread, then let either myself or reb know and we will get you setup for it).