Friday Footy with Tom!

For those that may be interested – Tom’s Footy Preview.


Friday Footy with Tom!

Well our PM has been out of the country (again) for whistle stop tour of much of the world. He’s shared his important insights on sainthoods, climate change, soccer. Kevin is a true renaissance man.

In preparation for the trip the VIP hosties completed an advanced “customer service” course (“tactics on handling unreasonable, demanding, hungry and angry VIPs”). Caterers refreshed the VIP menu (actually KFC is now providing the meals).

The VIP stock of hair dryers and backup hair dryers were checked and rechecked, all working to the level of performance required for VIP hair. We hope our PM returns from a happy, well fed and nicely coiffed world tour.

Acting PM Julia had to restrain herself from announcing a “Medicare Platinum Plus” scheme, just like her “Medicare Gold’ policy, but even better! Sounds great.

The future of the ALP is in good hands.

But on to the more important issues for the nation…

Western Bulldogs v Collingwood

Collingwood are a team of pretenders. They used to represent “working families” (reeeetch!), now they represent the extremes of society. At one end their corporate supporters cavort with Eddie, Tom and Kate. At the other end they hang out with people with names like Kiylliey, Jahyddehn, Khaylienne, Brooklynne and Jett, ie names reserved for the children of second and third generation welfare recipients. Or chosen by current and former Collingwood players for their own children.

Yes, the future Collingwood coach, Bucks, has a boy named “Jett”. Jett Bucks, probably named after Buck Rodgers and Jet Jackson. They are the favourite literary characters for Collingwood supporters – these people only read comics.

High end corporate brown nosers and comic reading boguns – welcome to modern Collingwood.

Dogs to win.

Sydney v Essendon

Knowledge of actual rules is fairly low among Sydney supporters; most conversation between spectators follows something like this –

“Is he allowed to do that?” “yes”

“Are they allowed to do that?” “yes”

“Is he allowed to do that?” “yes”

Repeat by 100 during each game.

Essendon to win. Are they allowed to do that? Yes

Carlton v Richmond

Strange as it may seem, these teams were regarded as powerhouses of the competition a couple of decades ago. Carlton were powerful cheats and criminals, they were run by successive boards that brought their non existent standards of corporate governance to a football club. They cheated to win their last premiership.

The Carlton record of premiership success is tainted by cheating.

Richmond used to win respect far and wide for having such a feral band of supporters. They still have the same feral supporters, but compared to the version from Alberton that visit about Melbourne about every fortnight, Richmond just isn’t the standard bearer these days. This Victorian club has lost the crown of “most feral supporters” to Port.

Come on Tigers, don’t cop it. Fight back, you’re the most feral, RECLAIM YOUR HERITAGE!

Carlton to win, but is anyone interested?

Brisbane v Geelong

Geelong, a club run by one of the most successful green grocers in the country. A true Geelong success story, people in Geelong admire food.

People in Brisbane admire shonky development, go Cats.

Adelaide v Fremantle

Wasn’t it hilarious when Fremantle were beaten last week, after playing so well? Mark Harvey is on the ropes. A thrashing by Adelaide this week will have the President “express his full confidence” in Harvey . He’ll be a goner after that.

Adelaide to give that nail a hammering.

Hawthorn v North Melbourne

Hawthorn is certainly following the traditional Kennett trajectory, quick success followed by enduring and dismal failure. Disappointment and underperformance is the hallmark of President Kennett leadership.

So what’s wrong with Hawthorn? They need a cleanout, so start at the top. Get some dodgy property developer as president, just like the good old days when our hatred of Hawthorn had very little logical justification. Unlike now.

North to do it for their completely unknown coach, and very minor celebrity president.

Melbourne v Port Adelaide

Port beat Brisbane in a surprise, shock, and astonishing upset win last week. Voss should have been dismissed.

Melbourne beat the Eagles last week, for President Jim. Here at Blogocrats Footy Preview, we ask the difficult questions, and my question for President Jim is – “Did you buy a ticket in the MFC stripper raffle of a decade or so ago?” A simple yes or no will do Jim.

Port Adelaide supporters will be smiling after this game and that is an ugly sight – most are missing a few teeth.

West Coast v St Kilda

Fresh from defeat by Melbourne , the Eagles face the rampaging saints. St Kilda should be sponsored by the HMAS Success, such is their collective moral character. Or they should have a team in the NRL.

The NRL player that “defecated” in the hotel corridor recently had to use a dictionary to find out what he’d done. At St Kilda they are educated enough to not require this research.

Saints to win.

Friday Footy with Tom!

What a week!

Incredibly we’ve had both Julia Gillard and Malcolm Turnbull in Iraq ! That should be evidence enough to the Iraqi people that democracy is hardly worth all the effort.

Locals were heard go comment – “Apparently Australians allow these people to run their country, perhaps the handing control over the mullahs isn’t such a bad idea.”

Did everyone see Julia in her bivouac gear? I think a burqua may have been more fetching.

There are some footy games…

Collingwood v Essendon

How on earth can Essendon consider themselves to be one of the major clubs, when they don’t even have a celebrity president? Essendon deserve more than some unknown non entity. Take the example of Collingwood, their president is a fully known, celebrity, non entity.

Essendon should be up there with Hawthorn with a prominent president. A former politician! And who is a most prominent Essendon supporter?

Finally, here at Blogocrats Footy Preview, we have come up with the ideal job for our illustrious former Treasurer – Peter “I cooda been the champ!” Costello. Finally he can take on a position that will allow him to make a great contribution to our civilised society.

He can become the president of Essendon, and then he could put them out of business.

Collingwood to win.

Melbourne v Eagles

Name 3 Melbourne players. I can’t either.

At least we remember the Eagles players, they’re always fighting and getting arrested, they make the news, just as footy players should in the most isolated city in the world.

Here in Melbourne we have nightclubs, as distinct from bikie hangouts, the Eagles players are likely to be well primed (but complacent) for a game against the pathetic Demons. It won’t matter. Eagles by about 15 goals.

(Even I’m not tasteless enough to make a comment about the Melbourne president.)

Port v Brisbane

Port has reappointed Williams as coach. This is enough to guarantee their defeat, and confirm their enduring commitment to on and off field failure. Brisbane to confirm Port’s stupid, dim witted mistake by thrashing them.

For more gratuitous insulting of Port, please refer to commentary in the Sydney v North review.

Richmond v Adelaide

The new coach at Richmond is certainly putting some discipline into the club! He’s not yet been spat at by the supporters. How’s that for a new club culture at Tigerland? It needs to be acknowledged though, that this situation is likely to change this week.

Benny Cousins is in great form. His addiction problem was all in his mind! How odd. The Tigers club doctors have given him a type of placebo – washing powder. The foaming nostrils are an indication that he’s committed to his program.

Tigers have to loose because “Jade” is a name suitable only for the full forward at Nimbin or Byron Bay , it just doesn’t cut it for an AFL coach.

Unfortunately Adelaide seems destined to win.

Western Bulldogs v Hawthorn

At the pregame lunch, Bulldog president, David Smorgon should spit in the soup of his Hawthorn counterpart –President Kennett, though dogs fans will agree that this is a waste of good spit.

This game is the clash of cultures. Footscray people are welfare cheats and dole bludgers, Hawthorn supporters are tax cheats. Hawthorn people get pissed on chardonnay. The dogs are just always pissed, or about to become so. Hawthorn people drive leased Audis and BMWs that they can’t afford and are about to be repossessed. Dogs supporters are more likely to do the panel beating on them.

Hawthorn people have a very high rate of debt default, Bulldogs supporters don’t even have enough to qualify for debt in the first place. It all goes into poker machines.

Dogs by a few goals.

Sydney v North

Barry Hall is good for football; people don’t want to watch skill and spectacular marking. We want random acts of violence, and this is what Hall does best.

Barry is likely to play for Port next year; he belongs in a town where raw physical brutality is appreciated, some say compulsory. He would though need some additional tattoos and grow a bit of a mullet – bald with a tuft of hair at the collar. He’ll be appointed captain of Port if he gets the hair style right.

Sydney to win.

Fremantle v Carlton

So Carlton has finally decided to shun John Elliott!

This should’ve happened years ago, though if the standard for Carlton membership becomes something like – “no concealing of criminal activity is allowed” – we can expect that the only people that will be entitled to Carlton membership in future will also be eligible to play in their little league team.

Carlton are going downhill fast, so Freo to win.

St Kilda v Geelong

The clash of the year! Hardly. This game is overrated, because St Kilda isn’t really very good. They’re posers and front runners.

In the context of Carlton shunning Elliott we should remind everyone of the behaviour of St Kilda’s Milne and Montagna a few years ago. The recent history of St Kilda appears to have close parallels with that concealed by Carlton a decade or 2 ago.

St Kilda may have won 13 in a row, but Geelong will thrash them.

My tip is that the saints will loose about half their games from here on, and go out of the finals in straight sets. That will be good for football.

Friday Footy with Tom!

Footy Preview Round 13

Well what a week!

Michael Jackson is apparently unavailable to play at the Grand Final, so it will have to be the Seekers. I thought he’d been dead for years. Nice complexion.

If Michael Jackson was a football supporter, I think he’d support Carlton , for the reasons outlined in the hard hitting match review below.

All umpiring has again been a contentious issue across the board. Claims of bias and unfairness have flow thick and fast. And usually more thick than fast.

And who’d have though politicians would spend the week behaving like politicians, ie just like low life, self seeking grubs, who would prefer to indulge themselves in complete bull$#it, as long as it is all at our expense.

Democracy at its best.

Why on earth does Kev need a free ute? I’d have thought his recently and significantly deflated wife could afford to chop the back off a series 7 BMW!

Last week James reminded us that he’d tipped Port Adelaide to be a hopeless team this year. This week I am seeking to ensure that I’m soon able to make a similar claim, whoever turns out to be the dudest team.

Essendon v Carlton

In the rich tradition of Carlton , former president and owner of the Liberal Party, John Elliott this week owned up that he protected criminals within his club – rapists. What an outstanding contribution to public life this man has made.

Carlton must have a higher allocation of criminals than any other club. Former coaches, a couple of presidents, current players, past players. Fev. Remember when John Doratich was arrested for exposing his buttocks?

And Menzies and Fraser are former number 1 ticket holders.

The entire club should be arrested.

The place is poison. And yet they are still up themselves! The Carlton hierarchy are full of so much hot air, there ought to be a CPRS scheme specifically for them.

People that are new to football are always surprised to learn that there was a time that we were interested in the result of a game between these traditional clubs, Essendon & Carlton.


Wake me up when it’s over. I think Carlton are over rated. I also think Essendon are over rated.

In this game it is a pity there has to be a result. My tip is Essendon 1.15, Carlton 0.12. This will be a game that will bore supporters of both clubs, and one that should undermine any remaining corporate sponsorship for either club, hopefully Carlton will never recover.

The West Sydney Blues, and remember where you heard it first!

Eagles v Hawthorn

This is a big game.

I understand that the Eagles are intending to emulate the Hawthorn board structure.

Just like Hawthorn, the Eagles intend to appoint a former politician as President. Yes, Brian Bourke is set to take over.

Attendance at the snout in the trough pregame lunches will be compulsory for those wishing to remain in business. Some big, tattooed bald blokes will make up the fund raising committees. Best just pay up and don’t ask any annoying questions.

Bourke’s offsider, Julian Grills will be “Director of Umpire Liaison”, which means he has a discussion with the umpires, before each game.

“We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way” will be his friendly introduction. The consequence of this streamlined administration means that instant success will follow, without the tediousness of getting some new players and rebuilding.

The Eagles will get about 9 goals from free kicks and win easily.

But with regard to actual players, West Coast is the most hopeless team in the competition

Geelong v Port Adelaide

Port is the most hopeless team in the competition, hoons, criminals and tax dodging slumlords seem to make up much of their supporter base. And that’s just one person who doesn’t even live in Adelaide !

Their support base is low because of the Australian legal process, most Port supporters have orders against them preventing “consorting with known criminals”.

How on earth can you get their supporters to a game with that type of restriction?

No wonder they are in strife.

Geelong put the nail in Williams coaching coffin.

Collingwood v Fremantle

Fremantle is the most hopeless team in the competition.

But Collingwood supporters think a dual trade is breaking AND entering.

Collingwood to win.

Adelaide v Sydney

Snowtown/Truro United FC sometimes show glimpses of their true ability. That’s when they play hopelessly.

Sydney need a former politician as a President. I think Bob Hawke, with the ever lovely Blanche.

Hawke would reinstitute all the traditional Sydney the crowd pleasers; he’d have the dancing girls return. He would be inclined to select them personally, 2 or 3 at a time.

Sydney will win easily.

Brisbane v Melbourne

Melbourne is the most hopeless team in the competition. What is there to say? Send them to the Gold Coast.

Brisbane by about 15 goals.

North Melbourne v Dogs

North want Bucks as coach! The club that brought us the Wayne Carey/Kellie Stevens imbroglio wants Mrs Bucks around the club rooms.

They should have learnt their lesson by now!

North is the most hopeless team in the competition. Dogs by about 10 goals.

St Kilda v Richmond

Richmond is the most hopeless team in the competition.

St Kilda will be in cruise control, ready for a big party after the game!

Friday Footy with Tom

Footy preview round 12 …continued

Laidley has GONE! What did I say? Remember when I commented that he was a carcass not a coach?

Remember where you get the most accurate and informed sports and political commentary – yes, right here on Blogocrats Pty Ltd* (refer below for your once in a lifetime investment opportunity).

It needs to be pointed out that the annoying part of this all too short Dean Laidley saga is that the football press just didn’t do their jobs. He was not under sufficient media pressure, the gossip and scrutiny was entirely inadequate. We scarcely had an opportunity to savour his miserable and public humiliation.

He kept too much dignity. I ask – is this what the game is about? I think not. It was a totally unsatisfying way for a coach to end their career. I, along with other football lovers, feel deprived of this most interesting and entertaining aspect of the game.

Thought with Laidley gone, the wheel turns. Who’s next – Williams? Malthouse? Harvey ? Bailey? Let’s just hope that the press do a better job in creating plenty of unwarranted undermining speculation, whoever they happen to have in their sights.

We can all hope that Malthouse goes. Collingwood are desperate to get Bucks as coach next year. His wife is very popular with several members of the leadership group too. Everyone will be happy.

Bucks will land a job with one of the clubs, and Collingwood seems appropriate. It is a forgotten piece of footy history that Bucks left Brisbane as he wanted to play with a successful club, he wanted to play finals football. Instead, he chose Collingwood. He could have stayed with the Brisbane Bears and played in 3 premiership teams, probably as captain.

It is sweetly ironic that he twice experienced loosing grand finals to the club he walked out on.

He should coach Collingwood, this will allow his bad choice record to continue.

In other news, President Kennett of Hawthorn has apologised to the club supporters for the performance of his footy team.

Fair shake of the sauce bottle Jeff!! How about a long overdue apology for the state that you left Victoria in??? Most of us think we are also owed plenty of compensation, paid personally by President Kennett, for the performance of his team of about 10 years ago.

Incidentally, there are 3 games on…

Sydney v Collingwood

The Collingwood Cheer Squad will arrive at the game, directly from a full 24 hours at the Bourbon and Beefsteak. They won’t be in good condition, they’ll be grumpy and feisty. Looking for trouble.

The Sydney supporters really don’t know much about the game. The crowd is always full of drunk, but inoffensive, Irish tourists and families from Waverly, plus a few Oxford St types who were drawn to the game when Warwick Capper was playing in his size 28 shorts.

The Collingwood supporters will create mayhem. They will thrash the Sydney supporters in violence, vomiting and obscene invective. Collingwood fans have these vitals supporter skills that are as good as any in the competition.

Sydney will however win the game of football.

Essendon v Melbourne

People say Melbourne have a young team, I agree, a young team of talentless losers.

Coach Bailey should get plenty of scrutiny, press speculation and undermining after the thrashing Melbourne will get.

Fremantle v Geelong

If Fremantle are beaten by less than 20 goals, Harvey will keep his job for a couple more weeks.

If beaten by more than 20 he may go, even before Williams. The longevity of Harvey is the only result in doubt for this game.

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Friday Footy with Tom

What a week!!

Some of us had a technicolour yawn after our PM advised that we should engage (reasonably and justly) in systematic vibration of vessels containing liquid, viscous food flavouring matter (*1)

In answer to a very interesting, but provocative, question from himself, our PM also suggested that the opposition cease and desist from proceeding towards the uncooked seafood crustacean (*2).

The PM sure knows how to connect with us common folk with his use of the Australian vernacular!!

The games this week…

Dogs v Port Adelaide

The Port Adelaide fans set off early this week for Darwin . On Wednesday night they thrashed the pub at Kulgra, had a fight, but amongst themselves, there weren’t enough local misfits to go around. They slept it off in their cars. On Thursday night, following some drinking and fighting, the Port supporters noted that the Alice Springs lock up is quite modern. Everyone agreed that it is better than the one in Alberton.

Arriving in Darwin in time to spend the day at the glamorous Skycity Casino before the game, Port supporters are destined to loose their remaining cash. In Port Adelaide a poker machine is known as a “medium risk retirement plan”.

There will be spike in the rate of violent robbery (known as a “low risk retirement plan”) in Darwin on Saturday afternoon as the Port Power Cheer Squad seek some additional cash. The night will topped off with a good fight at the game, accompanied by plenty of beer. It is just a pity that their team is set to be thrashed by the dogs.

The Port mob will drive straight home. The Stuart Hwy will have the world’s longest wheelie. They will arrive home in time for the 10am Monday listing at the Port magistrate’s court. It’s been a great few days!!

Carlton v St Kilda

This week Fev accepted the advice of our own dinky dye PM, and pointed percy at the police station. Sink the sausage Fev! So many sausages will be sunk that Carlton will win.

Richmond v Eagles

Jade Rawlings is the new tigers coach. Tigers will now go on a winning streak from this game and they’ll just miss the finals. Jade will be appointed as coach next year, but he will get the sack after the tigers loose the first 6 rounds in 2010. Tony Jewell will then be appointed caretaker.

I’m a traditionalist and really looking forward to the continuation of this endless cycle. Tigers to win, to ensure failure next season.

Hawthorn v Brisbane

Hawthorn doctors have reported – it isn’t swine flu, it is only the team throwing up after listening to the motivational speech of President Kennett.

Brisbane is a far better club; they only have Gold Coast property developers and used car salesmen on their board. They’ve never stooped as low as Hawthorn for a front man.

Go bears.

Adelaide v North Melbourne

The sports press aren’t serious these days. They have not given adequate space to attacking Dean Laidley. He is a carcass not a coach, and it is about time these footy “journalists” pointed this out, again and again and again.

Then again.

Hopefully a thrashing of North by Truro/Snowtown United FC will provide the press with enough ammunition to get off their collective backsides and start doing their job. Attack the coach!


*1 “fair shake of the sauce bottle”

*2 “don’t come the raw prawn”

Tom of Melbourne

Friday Footy!

AFL Preview with Tom of Melbourne

It is great news that Terry Wallace has finally been flicked. After relentlessly undermining him, crushing his own confidence and the confidence of others in him, the sports media is now free to talk about what a great and innovative coach he was.

We can also get on with attacking the next proud, former champion footballer that is now trying to coach a team lacking in talent.

Who’s next? Personally, I’m sick of Dean Laidley, it looks like he is gone. Who could blame North for trying to get a coach that can’t string a sentence together. There are other candidates for the block, Mick Malthouse, Mark Harvey, Mark Williams, even that little turd at Hawthorn is a chance (though he doesn’t meet my criteria of being proud or a former champion).

I say – bring on the speculation!! I’d love to see Mark Williams coach Collingwood, after being sacked by Port Adelaide. I’d like to see Graham Cornes back at Port. The players would like to see his wife back around the place too. She’s got a couple of bogan stepsons though.

On other news, apparently Kevin Rudd boycotted a dinner at the Minerals Council during the week.

He did them a big favour. There is nothing like a speech from the PM to spoil an appetite, and those mining execs love food. They’d have been very angry if he’d turned up to the trough and spoiled their appetite for swill.

I think Kevin should become an AFL Pesident at some stage, just like the failed politician Jeff Kennett. Imagine the savings on catering during the Presidents Lunch with Rudd speaking!

I believe Hawthorn already has a special coterie group, one where you can’t hear the president’s speech. It costs much more to join that one, but it is worth it.

This weeks games…

Dogs vs Richmond .

What a sensational win by the Tigers last week. Terry Wallace should have been dismissed on the spot immediately after the game. Now he will have to endure a thrashing by the club he walked out on. Dogs to win, Wallace to go out a loser. Tiger fans will spit at him for old time’s sake, this is a traditional send off from the tiger fans.

North vs St Kilda

North are genetically predisposed towards contracting swine flu. Particularly that @r$ehole that used to be their captain and still plays for them.

Therefore St Kilda to win again.

Brisbane vs Carlton

The problem with Carlton at the moment seems to be that the criminals have lost control. No Elliot, no Pratt. It is now a club that has lost its heritage. And Fev just can’t do it all on his own, no matter how many times he takes a leak under a security camera, or gets a barman in a headlock.

I don’t particularly object to Brisbane when they are playing Carlton , so they should win.

Port vs Fremantle

This game will be played in front of about 4,000 people. Traditionally this is the game with the least amount of interest for the entire season, it is between the runt teams of their respective states. Does it matter who wins? No but it will probably be Fremantle.

Hawthorn vs Sydney

Hawthorn is finished. Any club that predominantly has lawyers and bank managers as the membership base deserves to fail. Top this off with Kennett as president. Tossers. Hawthorn is the new Collingwood, everyone should hate them. The Swans should win easily.

West Coast vs Geelong

Most people in Western Australia have never left the state. We can all be grateful for that. But this is why they think Perth is a pleasant city, they don’t know any better. They have no idea about anything other than digging up their countryside and putting it on a ship to China . They don’t know what it means to have a loyal football club culture. That’s why Daniel Kerr plays for them.

The city of Geelong is mainly populated by bogans and bikies. Though they produce some fair footballers. So Geelong will win.

Melbourne vs Collingwood

The Collingwood fans will be late getting in to this game, they’ll be busy in the car park running keys along the side of the Range Rovers and Mercedes that the Melbourne fans drive. At the 12 minute mark of the 3rd quarter Melbourne people will inspect the damage, because they’ll all be leaving the game by the 10 minute mark, Collingwood will be 15 goals in front by then.

Does anyone care to speculate about the identity of players that have tested positive twice for a banned substance?