Kevin on a mission from Heaven

Not only is the Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, on an international mission to save the world from the perils of global warming, sorry climate change, he’s also on a mission from God to make sure that the Pope considers Australia’s very own Mother Mary MacKillop as a strong candidate for eternal afterlife stardom as a Saint. (Not to be confused with the Roger Moore show of the same name).

Apparently, Sainthood is a bit like the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, except it’s for Catholics.

Although she’s already dead, which is a prerequisite for membership anyway, MacKillop is rapidly shoring up the odds as the leading contender for Sainthood after she passed first base of being “beatified*” (whatever the hell that means) by Pope John Paul the second in 1995.

Bookies are now placing MacKillop as the clear front runner in the race for the Saint hood title, particularly after Pope Benedict, also affectionately known as “The Rottweiler” due to his friendly, affable nature, made a crash visit to MacKillop’s tomb during his multi-million tax-payer funded jaunt to Australia last year.

The PM met the pontiff in the ornate, yet modestly appointed Palazzo Apostolico, the “papal apartment pad,” also known as “the pap.”

The two men spoke quietly for a period, and then faster than you can say “saints preserve us,” Mr Rudd whipped out a case of Australian wines specifically selected for the pontiff.

Consisting of sickly sweet insipid dessert wines with a bitter after taste, the thought seemed lost on the pontiff but he was grateful nonetheless.

The wines were in an exquisitely presented handmade box made from rare Australian timber with an embossed image of Mary MacKillop giving the two thumbs up symbol.

Pope Benedict returned the favour, and gave Mr Rudd a signed copy of his most recent encyclical, which calls for greater understanding and compassion for humanity called “Why I still hate fags and condoms.”

Mr Rudd said he believed the encyclical was a “good document” and the pontiff’s call for a greater balance between the selfish needs of people and the rights of the church to discriminate against others required serious consideration.

The pontiff also gave Mr Rudd a pen in the shape of an altar boy in St Peter’s Basilica.

Bending over to collect the pen Mr Rudd said “And this is our motion I gave to our Parliament when I said sorry to the Aboriginal people.”

“You should think of us when you are here in the Vatican on a warm summer’s night” said Mr Rudd. “I certainly shall” replied the pontiff.

Following their discussions, Vatican officials took Mr Rudd on a private tour of Pope John Paul’s “Grotto” which shouldn’t be confused with the seedy shell-encrusted “Grotto” next to the gay sauna “Ken’s” in Kensington, Sydney, which featured prominently in the television series “Underbelly.”

The blood visibly drained from the pontiff’s face as Mr Rudd tried to explain the location of Sydney’s own “Grotto.” But it seemed as though Sydney’s Grotto was already familiar turf for the pontiff and Mr Rudd’s time was up.

On that note, a dozen bishops suddenly appeared as if from nowhere and ushered Mr Rudd from the building.

*Apparently, it has nothing to do with botox or cosmetic surgery.


40 Responses

  1. I understand that Mary MacKillop hails from the Coonawarra region. I would hope that the Pope was thus served with the appropraite drop.

    Had the Pope tried some of the Coonawarra’s finest I’m certain that he would have canonised not only Mother Mary, but our PM, the wine maker, our own Human Dividend (who hails from the Coonawarra) and just about everybody else within 50 feet.

    It’s a fine region indeed. Worthy of its own sainthood.

  2. Migs,

    He was given a box of sticky wines.

    The pope likes sticky stuff.

    I spotted a bottle of Noble One in the box. One of the most over-rated, bland tasting stickies if ever there was one.

    Maybe someone was having a joke with the PM?

  3. Yes Miglo. The Coonawarra is a miracle in itself.

    I think people should have to take off their shoes before they enter the entire region.

    There should be a cathedral, a monument, holy ground. We should give thanks each day. Kev has missed the opportunity.

  4. My God!

    Can I take a photo??

    You two agreeeeiing on something??? *Gasp*

  5. Yes Miglo. The Coonawarra is a miracle in itself.

    I think people should have to take off their shoes before they enter the entire region.

    There should be a cathedral, a monument, holy ground.

    There is. Have you seen reb’s cellar?

  6. Reb , I think anything from De Bortoli is over-rated.

    Mind you, their apple and mango chutney (available at the cellar door) is to die for.

  7. Have you seen reb’s cellar?

    I’ve just come back from showing a couple of friends around…

  8. Nice reb. Nice. I’d have it guarded if I were you.

  9. You two agreeeeiing on something??? *Gasp*

    reb, on July 10th, 2009 at 1:01 pm Said:


    That is sufficient enough of a miracle for her to finally achieve Sainthood !

    Why didn’t Kev just give the Pope a case of Alcopops instead ?

  10. One of your most cynical posts ever, sreb, well done, very impressed! (Loud applause)

    However I am disappointed in one phrase:

    *(Not to be confused with the Roger Moore show of the same name).*

    Why ever not? Its just as silly!

    Do you say stickys ’cause you can’t spell botryitis?

  11. One of your most cynical posts ever, sreb, well done

    Why thank you TB. Almost on a par with the more succinct but to the point Joe Hockey post at the gutter.

  12. That’s me on the right, as always.

  13. “That’s me on the right,”

    Nice legs, shame about the politics 🙂

  14. That’s me on the right, as always.

    Yes, of couse it would be – smiling lovingly at an empty bottle.

    Empty. Just like your arguments.

  15. “That’s me on the right,”

    Just as well. The guy on the left has his willy hanging out…!!

  16. So he has. Mind you, given the smile on his face, and the glass in his hand, I’m surprised at the condition.

    Miglo, now, now. I’m an optimist; the argument is only half empty.

  17. LOL. That’s a cork, reb, a cork. Now if I had a cork in the vicinity of Tom I know what I’d like to do with it.

  18. “Apparantly, it has nothing to do with botox or cosmetic surgery.”

    Quick reb, fix it before the pedant turns up or you will be sent to the corner!

  19. It’s a miracle!!

    The story of “the holy stump!”

  20. The Irish think that everything looks like Mary…

  21. Fixed scaper!!

  22. The Irish think that everything looks like Mary…

    That may be so. But the image of the Holy Mother can be seen clearly in this plate of baked beans.

  23. Not to mention the image of our lord and father seen clearly on this dog’s arse…!!

  24. another miracle!!

    If you look closely, you can clearly make out the image of Mary holding the infant Jesus in this pile of mangy looking laundry.

  25. Here’s another one. Hidden in this beach scene one is clearly able to see the outline of the 3 wise men on their camels.

    I’m told that only sinners would be unable to make out the holy image.

  26. I can see baby jesus in the log.

  27. You’re clearly not a sinner Tom.

  28. Personally, I prefer my Messiah with a grin

  29. I can see the entire naivity scene in the log..

  30. Ben’s wins!

  31. Reb, you’re not a sinner either.

  32. I can even see a replay of the first quarter of last year’s grand final in the log.

  33. The log is now playing a feature length of “The Ten Commandments” with Charlton Heston.

  34. Tom, I thought that was shown yesterday. Maybe you’re catching the repeat.

  35. Well I for one hope that Mary is beatified & added to the already burgeoning pantheon of Catholic lesser gods.

    If she makes the (highly dubious) grade then I’ll be able to quit work & make a tidy profit selling “splinters of the Holy Cross” (bits of pine bark, there’s a lot of pine down here) to stupid pilgrims. Maybe I can go to Mary’s church in Penola & “have a delirious vision of the Holy Mother” to further add legitimacy to my prospective business.

  36. Human,

    Never mind the pine-splinters; you should have a go at resurrecting another well-documented biblical practice: turning some of the region’s abundant(?) H2O into a selection of the Coonawarra’s finest vintages. I, for one, would be a willing investor in that kind of business.

  37. (Mmm…and what do people think that vegetarian Christians eat at Communion, when they’re not washing it down with miracle water? Someone might want to keep those pine-splinters as stakes for the risen-again reveries, unless they want to bet that only good times will be happening during the post-Rapture torment of the left-behinds, what with an extra hundred billion mouths to feed and counting, not including the horse-headed locusts, all having read from the same book. Never underestimate the potential markets for relics by limiting sales to the faithful is all I’m going to say.)

  38. I was about to reply to, HD … and thought I’d check on Mary McKillop …

    Seems we may have liked her on this blog ….

  39. Thanks for that informative link TB.

    “A rebel and a saint?”

    We if she’s going to adopt my moniker she deserves a seat at the Blogocrats table.

    Seems like she’s a troublemaker too, so that guarantees her membership. It’s the “vow of poverty” thing that bothers me though. It doesn’t sit comfortably with my WCP inclinations.

  40. I’d happily sell splinters to the unfaithful too. I don’t think that the want for divine splinters would be quite so driving amongst them though.

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