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Friday Footy with Tom

What a week!!

Some of us had a technicolour yawn after our PM advised that we should engage (reasonably and justly) in systematic vibration of vessels containing liquid, viscous food flavouring matter (*1)

In answer to a very interesting, but provocative, question from himself, our PM also suggested that the opposition cease and desist from proceeding towards the uncooked seafood crustacean (*2).

The PM sure knows how to connect with us common folk with his use of the Australian vernacular!!

The games this week…

Dogs v Port Adelaide

The Port Adelaide fans set off early this week for Darwin . On Wednesday night they thrashed the pub at Kulgra, had a fight, but amongst themselves, there weren’t enough local misfits to go around. They slept it off in their cars. On Thursday night, following some drinking and fighting, the Port supporters noted that the Alice Springs lock up is quite modern. Everyone agreed that it is better than the one in Alberton.

Arriving in Darwin in time to spend the day at the glamorous Skycity Casino before the game, Port supporters are destined to loose their remaining cash. In Port Adelaide a poker machine is known as a “medium risk retirement plan”.

There will be spike in the rate of violent robbery (known as a “low risk retirement plan”) in Darwin on Saturday afternoon as the Port Power Cheer Squad seek some additional cash. The night will topped off with a good fight at the game, accompanied by plenty of beer. It is just a pity that their team is set to be thrashed by the dogs.

The Port mob will drive straight home. The Stuart Hwy will have the world’s longest wheelie. They will arrive home in time for the 10am Monday listing at the Port magistrate’s court. It’s been a great few days!!

Carlton v St Kilda

This week Fev accepted the advice of our own dinky dye PM, and pointed percy at the police station. Sink the sausage Fev! So many sausages will be sunk that Carlton will win.

Richmond v Eagles

Jade Rawlings is the new tigers coach. Tigers will now go on a winning streak from this game and they’ll just miss the finals. Jade will be appointed as coach next year, but he will get the sack after the tigers loose the first 6 rounds in 2010. Tony Jewell will then be appointed caretaker.

I’m a traditionalist and really looking forward to the continuation of this endless cycle. Tigers to win, to ensure failure next season.

Hawthorn v Brisbane

Hawthorn doctors have reported – it isn’t swine flu, it is only the team throwing up after listening to the motivational speech of President Kennett.

Brisbane is a far better club; they only have Gold Coast property developers and used car salesmen on their board. They’ve never stooped as low as Hawthorn for a front man.

Go bears.

Adelaide v North Melbourne

The sports press aren’t serious these days. They have not given adequate space to attacking Dean Laidley. He is a carcass not a coach, and it is about time these footy “journalists” pointed this out, again and again and again.

Then again.

Hopefully a thrashing of North by Truro/Snowtown United FC will provide the press with enough ammunition to get off their collective backsides and start doing their job. Attack the coach!


*1 “fair shake of the sauce bottle”

*2 “don’t come the raw prawn”

Tom of Melbourne

57 Responses

  1. Tom,

    I think the raw prawn comment was directed at George Mega, not the opposition.

    Pretty much agree with your tips which is a bad sign for you.
    Not sure who you’ve tipped in the Hawk’s Lions game though – who are the bears?

  2. I think he was referring to this Dave:

  3. Dave55’s NRL tips

    After a recent spate of better tipping (and lets face it, it couldn’t have gotten much worse), I’ve decided to let you all in my new found NRL wisdom and share my tips with you. No doubt this will lead to a decline in my tipping again but … here goes:

    Warriors v Knights
    No Gidley for the knights but they are playing against a team that couldn’t even beat the sharks last week. Warriors are favorites but god only knows why – it isn’t based on form. That said, I’m still tipping the Warriors.

    Broncos v Bulldogs
    The dogs had the first case of the swine flu and promptly looked up the draw and made sure that they also infected their next opposition. The Broncos got all sooky about it and reckon its not fair and threatened to take their footy home with them – that was until they realised that they were already at home and would probably cop a massive hiding from the NRL for not fronting and the fans for being big girls* and afraid of a little sniffle. I reckon they’re just smarting over the hiding they got from the Storm last weekend. I’ve tipped the Doggies to win but it’s a close call – the Broncos have a habit of coming back strong after being walloped (which doesn’t happen very often).

    Roosters v Titans
    Titans. (I’m not going to waste time pointing out just how crap the Roosters are).

    Panthers v Sea Eagles
    Manly nearly beat the Panthers early on in the season when the period when they forgot how to play. They have worked that out now and Robertson has remembered how to score trys. Manly will drop the ball heaps and it will be close with 15 mins to go but Manly will run away with it comfortably in the end.

    Bunnies v Storm
    I hope the Bunnies have their counsellors ready to help them deal with their second thrashing in a row. The Storm are on fire and I can’t see why being in Perth would affect that. The Bunnies have gone off the boil and why they decided to take their home game against the Storm to Perth is beyond me. Storm by about 50.

    Raiders v Sharks
    Can the boys from the beach beat the Raiders on a day in Caberra that is forecast to get to a balmy 12 degrees. Simple answer – not even if they were playing well (which they aren’t because playing better than the Warriors at the moment doesn’t necessarily translate to playing well**). Raiders by about 2 trys, both scored and converted by Campo.

    Dragons v Cowboys
    Home ground adwantage is all that is leaning me towards tipping the Dragons. It’s a toss up between this game and the Manly Panthers one for the game of the week. I’m predicting a high scoriing but close match. Wendell to score the match winner and be a late inclusion for the Marrons in SoO2.

    Eels v Tigers
    Quite frankly – who cares. Neither team are consistent. The eels are in such trouble at the moment that they have sacked their CEO and are thinking of taking on zappa (forehead meats open palm). On top of that, they have effectively told their forwards they are crap by buying in two big names. The Ties on the other hand seem to win the ones they shouldn’t and lose the ones they should (or at least that’s how my tipping sees it). Given all the turmoil off the field this week at Parra, they shopuld lose, but that would mean the Tigers should win and they don’t win when they should so I’m tipping Parra (clear as mud that reasoning)

    *sorry girls, very un-PC of me.
    ** NB internal contradiction with tip that Warriors will win. this week.

  4. baccus (and Tom)

    Ahhh Gatcha, I thought Brisbane Bears sounded familiar but couldn’t work out why. Given the history of teams called the bears in NRL and AFL, I reckon it best to avoid any association with the name … I’ve scrubbed North Sydney from my mind and the scary period when the Mighty Sea Eagles were forced into an unholy relationship with the furred ones (Seriously – where were the ethicists when that was going on?)

  5. You’re in trouble Dave – your picks are the same as mine except for the Panthers / Sea Eagles, and I’m equal last with my daughter in our tipping comp, behind wife, son and young nephew 😦

  6. Dave, you have neglected to provide a review of the punching and sexual harassment involving Cronulla. Too much concentration on the games.

    How about a review of Balmain when Allan Jones was coach?

    A bit more gossip please.

  7. Tom,

    You’re right, I gave it a bit of a go with the bronco’s/ doggies game and the eels tigers but I did fall short on the Cronulla (ongoing) sagas.. Maybe the cold showers at Canberra this week will do the Shark boys a world of good.

    Walrus pointed out how incompetent Zappa (former CEO of Cronulla) was earlier in the season when it was revealed they payed a fortune for a kid with no proven skills. Since then, Zappa has shown his judgement suffers on a few things: allowing the chaser boys into the PA room at Shark Park, Showing they folks in the office his latvian porn bikini girly pictures, punching a girl in the face ‘accidentally’ and then getting taped talking to same said girl saying she could slap him in return for the black eye but no, she couldn’t have sick leave. Zappa also brought one of the oarswomen in the laydown sally boat to talk to the Cronulla boys about about how to deal with the media following a troubling event (now I don’t know about you but if I was that girl, I’d be pretty worried about being invited in to ‘talk’ to the sharks team given their history with dealing with girls on their own).

    After all that, Zappa reluctantly stands down and then ‘resigns’. Then, FMD the Eels think he would be a good replacement for their sacked CEO. No wonder the Rugby boys thing leagies are all dumb shits – the evidence is there to support the accusation.

    The rumours linking Zappa to Richmond are (I think) false.

  8. baccus – No doubt you will have a better week this week – provided you change that tip to Manly 😉

  9. “Pretty much agree with your tips which is a bad sign for you”dave55

    I think Tome got 8 last week dave…but you’re right. He’s in trouble this week if those are his real picks.

    I especially enjoy the way he devotes maximum space to rubbishing Portscum & it’s Powerborgs.

  10. This is for miglo & baraholka1…

    Port are gonna lose in a humiliating way this weekend.


    It will be a great weekend.

  11. Any thoughts from TOSY on how the Tiges are gonna go under Jade Who? ?

  12. Anybody else watch the Socceroos lacklustre win the other night?

    Tony, I think you stated in the past that you’d start paying attention once they qualified for the World Cup.
    You must be held to account.

    Need to keep all Melb Victory players out of the National squad.

  13. Exactly Toiletboss. Jade Effin Who!

  14. Yes, Tb, I’ll be paying attention to the (World Cup) soccer now (can’t bring myself to call it football). There aren’t any Victory players in the squad, are there?

  15. Archie Thompson?

  16. Socceroos squad (27/05/09): Mark Bresciano, Jacob Burns, Tim Cahill, Nick Carle, David Carney, Scott Chipperfield, Chris Coyne, Jason Culina, Bruce Djite, Richard Garcia, Vince Grella, Brett Holman, Mile Jedinak, Brad Jones, Josh Kennedy, Harry Kewell, Adrian Madaschi, Scott McDonald, Mark Milligan, Lucas Neill, Jade North, Michael Petkovic, Mark Schwarzer, Matthew Spiranovic, Shane Stefanutto, Mile Sterjovski, Carl Valeri, Dario Vidosic, Luke Wilkshire, Rhys Williams.

  17. Melbourne Victory – First squad
    No. Position Player
    1 GK Mitchell Langerak (youth)
    2 DF Kevin Muscat (captain)
    4 DF Steven Pace
    6 MF Leigh Broxham
    7 DF Matthew Kemp
    8 MF Grant Brebner *
    9 FW Danny Allsopp
    10 FW Archie Thompson (marquee)
    11 FW Ney Fabiano
    12 DF Rodrigo Vargas
    13 FW Nathan Elasi (youth)
    14 MF Billy Celeski
    15 MF Tom Pondeljak
    16 MF Carlos Hernández
    17 MF José Luis López
    19 MF Evan Berger
    20 GK Glen Moss
    21 DF Daniel Vasilevski
    22 MF Nick Ward
    24 MF Matthew Theodore (youth)
    ?? DF Surat Sukha

    * Player has been granted Australian permanent residency, and thus does not count towards the club’s foreign players quota

    Squad changes for 2009–10 season


    Glen Moss – From Wellington Phoenix
    Matthew Theodore – From Melbourne Victory Youth Team
    Carlos Hernandez – From L.D. Alajuelense Signed permanently whilst previously only on loan.
    Surat Sukha – From Chonburi FC [5]


    Michael Thwaite – To Gold Coast United
    Steve Pantelidis – To Gold Coast United
    Sebastian Ryall – To Sydney FC
    Michael Theoklitos – Contract Expired

  18. Glad to see Djite on there. I hadn’t seen the squad. How subject to change is it?

    I hope Scott McDonald scores soon, the media should (but won’t) give him a break. He is a gun for Celtic.

  19. Don’t know; I got it from this article (which I didn’t read):


  20. “Midfielder Jason Culina, who recently joined Gold Coast, was the only A-League player in the squad with defender Craig Moore unavailable due to injury.”

    (Just read it.)

  21. Two Crows players suspected of having Swine Flu…not conclusively proven but Richard Douglas has been dropped regardless (dumb Victorian, can’t seem to be able to close his mouth during day to day activities; kinda like a venus flytrap).

    Hopefully the shinboner spirit will still be crushed…I really HATE that shinboner spirit!

    Come on miglo, there’s gotta be an opening in there somewhere.

  22. Power failure imminent.

  23. Toiletboss,

    I’ve got the replay of the Australia-Bahrain game in Sydney on in the background. Very lacklustre affair.

  24. I am just trying to work out how to make the boyf chose a restaurant for tonight that will be in a bar so I can watch the Wallabies/Italy game.

  25. BTW Tony – what is your avatar? I can never zoom in enough.

  26. VRWC


  27. ?!?!?

  28. Vast Right Wing Conspiracy?

  29. The first half was substandard by any measure from both teams; granted, Australia’s best weren’t all out there.
    I think that I’ve watched too much EPL recently which is of a MUCH higher standard that we, as a “non” fussball nation, will always struggle to match. I wonder if our good performance at the last World Cup was an anomaly? I hope not & one thing I do give Oz credit for is overperformance per capita in all sports; we generally punch well above our weight.

    The second half got better Tony. Two decent goals & a few legitimate chances. The game on the whole was pretty scrappy though.

    Australia VS Japan on Wednesday, the World Cup/Asian Cup grudge rematch should be of a much higher standard. Japan may well teach us a fussball lesson.

  30. Yes.Click on my name for explanation.

  31. Get with the programe joni!

    Ain’t you nevere heard of the Vaaaast RW Conspiracy? They’re all in on it.

  32. Joni slaps himself for being so ignorant.

  33. Keep in mind that VRWC is Tony’s subtle pisstake on the rest of us leftards for being card carrying members of the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy with Leftist Media BiasTM.

  34. Just about to watch the battle of the dreadlocks. I note all tipsters picked Richmond. We’ll all be sorry, I fear. 😦

  35. Bwahahahaha.

    Look forward to the dredded one’s debut. The Eagles just aren’t consistent, besides, the Tiges are gonna do it for Jade……….guffaw.

    I note that I cannot be dethroned this weekend, almost all of our tips are identical this round. Except for poor dave55 who shouldn’t have followed Tom’s advice to pick Carlton; advice which Tome didn’t follow himself I note.

  36. Too much noting…I blame various articles of overconsumption.

  37. I cannot stand Steve Quartermaine and his running commentary on umpiring decisions. Who gives a f**k? The decisions have been made, and the umpy’s not gonna change them. So just get on with it.

  38. Yeah Tony. I reckon arguing with the umpire, right or wrong, is about as intelligent & self-flagellating as arguing with the police. You ain’t gonna change it & may actually dig your delightful hole deeper.

    I hate everything that comes out of Quatermaine’s suppurating gob. Gushing is not entertainment.


    Well Toiletboss, I’ve completed my tips for the entire season on the tipping site. I’ve not checked, how am I going?

    Therefore you won’t find any relationship between my intelligent, thoughtful review of football clubs and my competition tips.

  40. ‘Oh Ben who art at Punt Road, cleared be thy name,
    Your job is done, you little gun, at Etihad as it was at the ‘G’.
    Show us these days your endless skill, your cheeky grin, your deadly footpass, your enormous courage.

    All hail Ben. Ben is good. Ben is great. In Ben we trust.
    (Oh hark, did I hear ‘contract extension’?)

    Is Ben. Is Good. Very bloody good.

  41. Toiletboss, on June 13th, 2009 at 5:59 pm Said:

    “Two Crows players suspected of having Swine Flu…”

    And they say pigs can’t fly.

  42. (Oh hark, did I hear ‘contract extension’?)

    LOL. One can only hope.

  43. Awesome Jane. Just awesome.

    Why didn’t I think of that one. Where’s my mind?

  44. ‘LOL, one can only hope’ – Indeed Tony, and why not. The ultimate irony.
    Raise the stakes. As one senior Richmond official was quoted as saying this morning in the Melbourne Press:
    ‘when Ben speaks, EVERYBODY listens’ – Excellent, and wise.
    B. Cousins, average game time 60%, average 23 quality touches.
    D. Kerr, average game time 85%, average 10 touches; spends most time ‘decked’ by opposing players (BTW, this has been going on for 2 years).
    Which is clearly indicative that Woosha the mild mannered chemist and Suma his hookfoot assistant mate are not really on their game as AFL coaches, of late.

    Tony, two words, Scenic, Piranha. You ought to be congratulated.

  45. I wouldn’t be too derisive of the Crows this week if I were you Jane & Miglo.

    Climbed to 5th for the moment & travelling well. Unlike the prideless power.

    Tom, you are indeed an international man of mystery.

  46. Tboss, I do remember you declaring that the Crows wouldn’t make the 8.

  47. They won’t???

    Yeah I dunno miglo.

    I’m as pleasantly surprised by the Crows recent form as I am by Port’s injury begotten misfortune.

    But seriously, Port WERE bad yesterday, some of ’em, as much as I hate them< aren't as bad as the lack of effort they put in yesterday.
    I'd say the same thing about Adelaide if they did it. I might support the Crows but BLIND support is for idiots & I don't think I'm that easily blinded.

    Another great baraholka1 weekend!

    I feel your pain migs. My ribbing about Port is just incidental rubbish which I've always assumed you're man enough to laugh at or ignore. It's only football, it might be me next week (well actually not next week as they're not playing). You ride the highs & lows; as long as they try I'm happy, they sure get paid enough to try.

    On the bright side, how many good players will Port get back from injury after a fortnight off?

  48. I hope my conciliatory comment isn’t lost. It didn’t seem to post correctly.

  49. Too long to repeat…basically I said, chin up migs, they’ll get some quality back after the fortnight off. I’d be astounded if they put up another effort like that anytime soon.

  50. True Tboss. A cursed run with injuries and form.

    The form of the Saints and the Cats, and now the Dogs, condemn all the other teams to the scrap heap for 2009.

    If the Crows sneak into the top 4, which is a possibility, all they’ll do is waste 2009.

    Time to start tanking.

  51. lol, strategic tanking!

    I hadn’t thought of that. I like Choco’s style; he’s much smarter than I thought; but I think he may have noosed his horrible self this season.

  52. Well Tioletboss, I’ve forgotten the name of our tipping site, my password, so I can’t even check my tally.

  53. You’re not doing too bad for someone who tipped every game at the start of the season.

    3rd, I think?

    Here’s a link…


  54. Thanks, I’ve just checked some of my tips for the next couple of weeks. They don’t look so sensible now.

    Never mind, it saved me a lot of thinking energy throughout the season.

  55. If anyone is watching the MotoGP – what an amazing race!!!!

  56. That was the most amazing final lap I have ever watched. Even though I am a Stoner fan – my heart is racing.

  57. no way. eagles will rule them all. go eagles.

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