Friday Footy with Tom

James has again failed to provide a footy preview, so this will have to do.

What a big week for the monogamous, respectable and upright AFL competition, if we ignore St Kilda.

Richmond vs Port. This is a big game for the supporters of both clubs; it will help resolve one of the main talking points among all football supporters – which team has the most feral barrackers?

The Richmond mob have been saving up their phlegm for this one. Terry Wallace will be issued with protective clothing for this game – a wetsuit, in club colours. The coach will put it on just before the end of the game. The very skilled members of tigers cheer squad can lob a gorbie a long way after a defeat, as Terry well knows.

On balance I think Richmond supporters will prove to be very feral. The Port rabble are mainly on the dole, and can therefore afford to drive hoon style cars such as a Ford G6E or something noisier with fat wheels.

By contrast, Tiger fans often have important jobs such as selling stolen TVs at the pub, and they are more likely to steal their vehicles.

Richmond will win the feral fans contest because their team will loose.

Dogs v Melbourne . A little like Richmond people, Bulldogs supporters spit a lot, though it’s usually because they’re drunk. A warm bottle of beer in a paper bag is the preferred vintage of the traditional Footscray supporters. Melbourne supporters enjoy a young sauvignon blanc. Expect a crowd of about 2,000 to cheer the dogs to victory. It has snowed early and therefore there will be no Melbourne supports present.

Fremantle vs Hawthorn. Hawthorn should win well. It is in the West, and they won’t hear as much from Jeff Kennett.

Geelong vs North. North is finished. By the end of the year they’ll be called the Gold Coast Lifesavers and wearing red and yellow. Geelong easily.

Brisbane vs Adelaide . After the weak, insipid, pathetic, weak, gutless, dismal, weak performance by Adelaide last week, Brisbane will flog them. So they should because Adelaide isn’t a real football team.

Sydney vs West Coast. This depends on whether the Eagles boys get to the game on time. I expect Daniel Kerr will be involved in “an incident” at a nightclub in Darlinghurst Rd at about 7am. Then about 45 minutes before the game is to start, he will still be “helping police with their enquiries”. Sydney players are more familiar with the tawdry glitz, so they’ll be on time to the game, and less hung over.

Collingwood vs Carlton . Has anyone ever tired of seeing Carlton loose? No. Has anyone ever tired of seeing Collingwood loose? Also no. Tipping this result is a dilemma so I hope the game has lots of fights (resulting in lots of long suspensions). The fans riot and thousands are arrested. The game is abandoned halfway through the 3rd quarter. Failing this optimal result, Carlton to win.

St K vs Essendon. My tip is that Nick Riewoldt will hook up with a new Neighbours starlet after the game, another blonde one. St Kilda to win.

Tom of Melbourne


37 Responses

  1. Tom, just so you know – once and for all – that a G6E is not a hoon car.

  2. Dave%%’s NRL “tips”
    Well, All I can say is I’m consistent – 2 from 6 in my predictions ( I actually took my own advice last week and tipped against my tips and got 3 from 4).

    This weeks anti-predictions (I actually think these teams will win but I predict they won’t) are as follows ( WARNING: bad taste alert</b? – contains (probably lame) jokes related to the Matty Johns scandal):

    Broncos v Titans
    The Titans tried to cheat their way to a win last week but the video ref saw through it; the Broncos on the other hand were undone by the video ref and some (although not this one-eyed Manly supporter) think they were cheated out of a win by the video ref. These things have a way of balancing themselves out so this week it’s the Bronco’s turn to have the Video Ref look favourably upon them. Broncos in a tight one by a controversial video ref decision.

    Dragons v Doggies
    Top of the ladder clash – who’d have thunk it at the start of the season that these two would being running 1 and 2 after 9 rounds. The Doggies will be smarting this week because Cronulla has stolen their title to bad-boy team (it’s actually quite unfair, the whole Matty Johns incident happened before the Doggies’ Coffs Harbour exploits and really, the Doggies should still hold the title), whether this makes any difference to the outcome of this game is doubtful but my ability to anticipate any contributing factors to form is woeful at the moment so no matter how tenuous the link, I’m going to throw it into the mix. I’m going with the Dragons on this one. I don’t really know why though – gut feeling perhaps (which, given my past form, is a damn good reason to tip the Dogs).

    Roosters v Newcastle
    Both sides are tainted by Matty John’s influence, Newcastle because he played for them for years, and the Roosters because he has some assistant coach role there. In my books, this cancels out the Matty Johns factor influencing the way this game will go so I’ll resort to form. The Roosters have been one of the most consistent teams all year – they have sucked all year. Newcastle have also been consistent, albeit their consistency has been at the opposite end of the spectrum to the Roosters. So on the basis of consistency, they are both consistent so that cancels that out… I live in Newcastle and I’ve always hated the Roosters (pretenders to the silvertail mantle) so Newcastle it is from a purely parochial perspective.

    Penrith v Cronulla
    Fair dinkum, do I even need to bother. Cronulla are woeful this year and always have been; after the 4 Corners episode on Monday, we now know why – they are all too shagged to be able to play. Penrith will win by a margin that is so large Penrith will engrave it in their record books safe in the knowledge that it will never be eclipsed. Of course it will need an * after it to denote that it was achieved against the Sharks but hey – a record is a record. Dizzy Gilespie will always have that double century on his record even if it was scored against Bangladesh.

    Warriors v Cowboys
    Another game affected by the Matty Johns “scandal”. The Warriors will be royally pissed that the reason they haven’t been getting any is because the NZ chicks seem to like the Aussie boys more. Revenge time me thinks. Unfortunately for the Warriors, the Aussie chicks probably don’t like them either so any attempts at revenge will only leave them tired and frustrated from also having no luck with aussie chasing girls (hint boys – it’s the accent). Of course the Cowboys may let the Warriors win purely out of sympathy but I don’t think so.

    Manly v Parra
    Usually a ding dong of a battle between these old rivals. Both teams are untainted by the Matty Johns incident but Manly have copped it all year over their ‘indiscretions’. Looks like Manly learn’t how to win without Brett Stewart in the Team though – the problem for Manly is that they have now found a new star player to solely rely on – Lyon. Oh well, at last he’s playing this week and he always plays better against Parra. I’m tipping the score to be something like Para 10, Jamie Lyon 24 (with Watmough to chip in with a try as well to make the Manly score 28)

    Tigers v Bunnies
    Who the hell knows, I flipped a coin on this one and it landed on its side. No Matty Johns influence on this game either so that doesn’t help. For some reason this game’s being played at the SCG. I’m not sure if the tigers in there Westy/Inner-West form have ever played there. The bunnies on the other hand come from a stones throw away (Russ can probably walk from his Woolloomoolloo unit to the game (but he wont)) and have actually won Premierships (yes, I know that’s hard to believe but I’m told that they used to be quite competitive about 50 years ago or so) on that ground. Bunnies to win on the history aspect alone… actually scratch the alone bit, I reckon the addition of Crocker will play a bit of a role as well.

    Storm v Raiders
    Storm have lost their half line coach to the Matty Johns scandal through a tenuous link (the coach was Matty Johns). Anyway, Finchy’s game should improve now he doesn’t have Johns giving him tips (Like being a half means it’s really not ‘group sex’ because the most it could be is 1 and a half (or 1 & 5/8)M F and a group clearly requires at least 3.) I want to tip the Raiders but really the loss of Johns can only help the Storm improve.

    So based on my predictions, your tips probably should be: Titans, Doggies, Roosters (yeah good luck), Cronulla (OK, that’s just silly), Warriors, Parra, Tigers and Raiders.

  3. Dave%%

    WTF? I can’t even get my own name right :red:


    See! Not all of us Port supporters are ferals. Now where did I put my dole form…

  5. Steve, Tom and others take great delight in mocking us Port supporters and our wonderful team.

    Sometimes I battle on alone in the face of the abuse. Glad to know you’re here to help.

    PS: I remember you from Tim’s site a couple of years ago.

  6. Dave, it’s called capslock.

    Sadly Tom was spot on last week, Collingwood versus St Kilda. What an abysmal effort.

    Fortunately for moi, son’s partner’s cousin is Anthony Corry and her family is split Carlton-Geelong. Not to bring up the subject of football the next time that we meet would be a good choice me thinks.

  7. Migs:

    From your Drive editorial:

    luxury performance sedan

    You must be doing OK out of those tax dodging property investments and novated leases.

  8. Min

    Dave, it’s called capslock.

    That’s a much kiner way of putting than I’d have done. I didn’t even get the smiley right 😳

    Probably qualifies for a Triple J’s “Friday F— wit” nomination.

  9. kiner

    Seriously, I give up. I’m off to have some alcohol because not having any is clearly affecting me badly today!

  10. Yes Dave, I’m doing OK for a Port supporter.

  11. Miglo,

    I’m an ‘aspirational’ Silver Tail.

  12. Miglo, I can take any abuse directed at me regarding my football affiliation; I bleed black and white (and, reluctantly, teal since 1997). However, I do think more abuse needs to be hurled in the direction of the Crows, who have to be the most boring team to ever play the game. I challenge anyone to come up with a more boring example of footy than the Crows/Melbourne game the other week.

    PS: How did you know I’m the same Steve? I’m impressed.

  13. steve,

    The Roosters v Cronulla NRL match 2 weeks ago would give it a run for it’s money I reckon.

  14. Steve, a couple of years ago Tim posted something on the citizenship questionnaire. I responded that there only need be one question that new citizens should concern themselves with and that was : Who won the 2004 AFL grand final?

    I remember your affirmative response.

    My memory is always in good form.

    And incidentally, I hate the Crows so much that it should be a crime. And yes, they are the most boring of teams. After the Showdown there were adverse comments about Port not filling the stadium. Crackers Keenan reckoned that the Crows supporters were to blame, being too precious to go to a Port home game. He added that who’d want to go and watch the boring Crows anyway.

    About the old Port Adelaide, I had Greg Phillips’ guernsey from the 1979 grand final. I sold it 15 years ago when I was destitute.

  15. “About the old Port Adelaide, I had Greg Phillips’ guernsey from the 1979 grand final. I sold it 15 years ago when I was destitute.”

    No way! I bet you’ve regretted it ever since.

    Crow-hating should be a virtue, not a crime…

  16. Steve I’ve often wished I had have kept it, although I hope that it has found its way back into Greg’s hands.

    I wasn’t sure if I had the 1977 or the 1979 guernsey, but he later told me that the 1979 jumper was the only one he didn’t have.

    He later opened a pub in Port Adelaide and had his premiership jumpers framed and on display. I’m hoping that this one is now up there.

    The bloke I sold it to was a profiteer and I think he intended to sell it to Greg for an inflated price.

    Greg Phillips – what a legend.

  17. The Roosters v Cronulla NRL match 2 weeks ago would give it a run for it’s money I reckon.

    Dave55, on May 15th, 2009 at 2:37 pm Said:

    Cronulla v The Rooters………………………….Oops !

  18. The woman at the centre of a group sex scandal involving Cronulla Sharks rugby league players was a “decent, stable type with HER HEAD SCREWED ON”, her former boss says.

    My God…………………………where does this end !

  19. Miglo, it looks like a hoon car if a Port supporter is driving it.

    How far can you spit? Not as far as a Richmond supporter?

  20. Walrus,

    I noticed that too – poor choice of words by her old boss.

  21. Miglo – “Yes Dave, I’m doing OK for a Port supporter.”
    Yes obviously. But let’s examine the facts here.

    • You have a hoon car which remains in your possession due to the neglect of the government in cracking down on your tax dodge.
    • You’re a slum lord, due to the above-mentioned government neglect.
    • You live in Canberra, by choice!!
    • You’re a public servant.
    • You choose to support Port Adelaide.

    Yes, what a life you lead!!

  22. Tom, please answer these.

    1. What do you drive?
    2. What is your occupation?
    3. Do you have any, or plan to have any, investments?
    4. Which AFL team do you support?

  23. Miglo

    1. I drive a non hoon car.
    2. My occupation is that of an authority on various subjects.
    3. I maintain the level of assets that will allow my family, and my mistress, to remain in a level of comfort.
    4. I support Old Scotch.

    I hope this clarifies my situation.

  24. Hi Miglo. I know the bridal car for this wedding was a 6GE.

  25. Tom, did you give the bride away?

  26. Miglo, do you get today’s game live where you are?

  27. F**king Tredrea.


  28. Bloody hell – i’ve actually tipped 7 from 7 so far – partly thanks to a very dodgy video ref decision which favoured your mob IATW.

    What a cracking end to the Bunnies Tigers match.

    oh and … GO MANLY

  29. Hi Tony, had it live on Fox. I’m still recovering.

  30. I think the Port vs Richmond game did generate a sense of mutual respect, particularly between the supporters.

    The Richmond people left the ground thinking “those Port guys really know how to dress”.

    The Port supporters were impressed by the skill of the Tigers mob at stringing together innovative combinations of obscenities.

  31. Dave55

    It might have been a controversial decision in the Saints Bulldogs game but the reason its got so much press is because it was on fulltime. Hornby scored a legit try as well but it was pulled back for a knock on and Saints got the feed.

    But no one says anything about it.

  32. Walrus,

    yeah, I missed that one but the ABC guys were talking about it yesterday – it’s a fair point.

    BTW – perfect round for my tips -unfortunately when I checked what I had actually put in, I realised I’d tipped the Warriors (F#@k).

  33. Miglo, on May 15th, 2009 at 3:46 pm Said:

    “He later opened a pub in Port Adelaide and had his premiership jumpers framed and on display. I’m hoping that this one is now up there.”

    Would there be enough wall space, Migs?

    Tom of Melbourne, on May 15th, 2009 at 5:39 pm Said:


    1. I drive a non hoon car.
    2. My occupation is that of an authority on various subjects.
    3. I maintain the level of assets that will allow my family, and my mistress, to remain in a level of comfort.
    4. I support Old Scotch.

    I hope this clarifies my situation.”

    Certainly does, ToM. Just keep shaving your palms.

    Miglo, on May 17th, 2009 at 12:28 pm Said:

    “Tom, did you give the bride away?”

    Migs, he was the bride.

  34. Jane, you seem awfully confused.

    Firstly you’re a Port Adelaide supporter, this explais plenty (see above).

    Secondly you get mixed up between a pack of Cronulla rugby league players engaging in particularly unsavoury activities with a young woman, on one hand and our Prime Minister getting drunk and going to a strip club on the other.

    Do try to keep up with things here. It is awfully tiresome to have to constantly explain everything.

  35. Min waves to Jane. Don’t you just hate condescension.

    Jane..son’s partner’s cousin is currently training with Port. Her other cousin is Anthony Corrie playing for Collingwood. I’m not certain whether it’s the same surname, will have to check with son.

  36. “Don’t you just hate condescension.”

    Possibly, but not as much as – “ToM. Just keep shaving your palms”

  37. Toiletboss, if you’re about: Phelpsie will be over tonight (and you can be sure I’ll be asking him about this debacle).

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