James has again failed to provide a footy preview, so this will have to do.
What a big week for the monogamous, respectable and upright AFL competition, if we ignore St Kilda.
Richmond vs Port. This is a big game for the supporters of both clubs; it will help resolve one of the main talking points among all football supporters – which team has the most feral barrackers?
The Richmond mob have been saving up their phlegm for this one. Terry Wallace will be issued with protective clothing for this game – a wetsuit, in club colours. The coach will put it on just before the end of the game. The very skilled members of tigers cheer squad can lob a gorbie a long way after a defeat, as Terry well knows.
On balance I think Richmond supporters will prove to be very feral. The Port rabble are mainly on the dole, and can therefore afford to drive hoon style cars such as a Ford G6E or something noisier with fat wheels.
By contrast, Tiger fans often have important jobs such as selling stolen TVs at the pub, and they are more likely to steal their vehicles.
Richmond will win the feral fans contest because their team will loose.
Dogs v Melbourne . A little like Richmond people, Bulldogs supporters spit a lot, though it’s usually because they’re drunk. A warm bottle of beer in a paper bag is the preferred vintage of the traditional Footscray supporters. Melbourne supporters enjoy a young sauvignon blanc. Expect a crowd of about 2,000 to cheer the dogs to victory. It has snowed early and therefore there will be no Melbourne supports present.
Fremantle vs Hawthorn. Hawthorn should win well. It is in the West, and they won’t hear as much from Jeff Kennett.
Geelong vs North. North is finished. By the end of the year they’ll be called the Gold Coast Lifesavers and wearing red and yellow. Geelong easily.
Brisbane vs Adelaide . After the weak, insipid, pathetic, weak, gutless, dismal, weak performance by Adelaide last week, Brisbane will flog them. So they should because Adelaide isn’t a real football team.
Sydney vs West Coast. This depends on whether the Eagles boys get to the game on time. I expect Daniel Kerr will be involved in “an incident” at a nightclub in Darlinghurst Rd at about 7am. Then about 45 minutes before the game is to start, he will still be “helping police with their enquiries”. Sydney players are more familiar with the tawdry glitz, so they’ll be on time to the game, and less hung over.
Collingwood vs Carlton . Has anyone ever tired of seeing Carlton loose? No. Has anyone ever tired of seeing Collingwood loose? Also no. Tipping this result is a dilemma so I hope the game has lots of fights (resulting in lots of long suspensions). The fans riot and thousands are arrested. The game is abandoned halfway through the 3rd quarter. Failing this optimal result, Carlton to win.
St K vs Essendon. My tip is that Nick Riewoldt will hook up with a new Neighbours starlet after the game, another blonde one. St Kilda to win.
Tom of Melbourne
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