Round 7 AFL Preview – by Tom of Melbourne
What a dud game the ‘show downs” were.
The one in Adelaide offered no surprises and no highlights. Everyone knows that the criminal classes will always overcome the show ponies.
Over in the west, the drug busts continue to take their toll on the performance of the Eagles. Having a pharmacist as a coach is simply no substitute to having Benny working his magic around the club.
On to my tips for this week –
Essendon vs Hawthorn. Essendon have a good chance if Kennett has provided any motivational speeches to the Hawthorn playing group during the week. A speech by Kennett is about as effective on team morale as a dose of botulism.
Frankly, most of the shoe salesmen and property development types that turn up at the Hawthorn President’s Lunch on game day use the time consumed by Kennett’s address to jam their fingers down their throat.
This allows for a much more comfortable afternoon of over consumption of cheap wine, meatless party pies, reconstituted deep fried animal gristle and stale scones.
The Hawthorn club song should be to the tune of grinding teeth, the rendition accompanied by the chorus of “REEEEECH!!”
Essendon will win because Kennett just won’t shut up.
Geelong vs Sydney . Geelong is run by a major player in the green grocery industry. The players have to eat all their veggies.
Sydney needs to get Leanne Edelsten back to help harden up the resolve of the entire team. Hardening them up one, maybe 2 players, at a time, certainly no more than 3 at once. Do they call it a “resolve” in Sydney ? (remember this? – http://www.theage.com.au/ftimages/2007/09/14/1189276957577.html).
Those were the days that football club presidents contributed meaningfully to the morale of the club.
People in Sydney don’t have any morals. Geelong will win easily.
Richmond vs Brisbane . I think the Richmond players will perform at the level required to ensure that their supporters refrain from spitting at them as they depart the ground. That’s about as good as things ever get at Tigerland.
Richmond will fall over the line, Ben Cousins will check the quality of the line.
Tiger supporters will have to save their phlegm until next week, when they play Port. Now that will be a big game. It raises an important question for the football community – who has the more feral supporters? The game next week will help sort out the answer.
While some may find amusement in the injury to Matthew Richardson, I certainly don’t! He’s a Richmond character through and through – he blames his mates if he doesn’t take a mark. I think he’d lob a mouthful of phlegm at them if the cameras weren’t on. There should be more of it, particularly at Richmond , and I believe there is at training.
North vs Port Adelaide. North are very much like Port.
Wayne Carey should have finished his career with them, rather than Adelaide . Have you seen the step mum of the Cornes boys? She is ideal for Wayne , and after all Carey is quite experienced in resisting arrest, so he certainly has a future as a skills coach at Port. Given the talent off the field, I think he’ll coach for free.
The North “shin boner” tradition is entirely consistent with the preference of Port Adelaide players and supporters for raw meat. Port players enjoy eating raw meat (that they’ve slaughtered with their bare fists), so I think Port will get up.
Carlton vs Fremantle. Weren’t we all laughing last week as Brendon Fevola hit the post with the kick that should have won the match for DIck Pratt? Fevola should grow up; otherwise he’ll never be Chief Marketing & Luncheon Director with Visy.
I think Fremantle will be 5 goals up with 10 minutes to play; they’ll then lose by 2 goals.
Adelaide vs Western Bulldogs. Adelaide are front runners. They are an artificial club, created by the SANFL marketing department. They don’t deserve the success they’ve had so far, and karma means they’re in for a decade of wallowing near the bottom of the ladder. I can’t wait for the next decade.
Bulldogs will win, because they are pathetic losers who win when they shouldn’t.
West Coast vs Melbourne . Traditionally both amateur and professional pharmacists have had a big influence at the Eagles. They should be sponsored by Bex. Melbourne are broke and they have an unknown and totally unsuccessful coach. They’re going nowhere except in reverse. So I’m tipping Melbourne to win easily.
Collingwood vs St Kilda. St Kilda have improved since they got rid of their celebrity president. They now have one that no one knows. This is as it should be.
Collingwood love the celebrities. That’s because their fans are very, very stupid people who watch too much television. Collingwood supporters only read the TV guide; they move their lips during this activity, as they find it mentally challenging.
My tip is that Natalie Bassingthwaighte or Dannie Minogue will replace Eddie McGuire as president by the end of the season.
St Kilda will win by about 20 goals.
Well that’s it from me, hopefully – next week James can return.