Friday Footy!

Round 7 AFL Preview – by Tom of Melbourne

What a dud game the ‘show downs” were.

The one in Adelaide offered no surprises and no highlights. Everyone knows that the criminal classes will always overcome the show ponies.

Over in the west, the drug busts continue to take their toll on the performance of the Eagles. Having a pharmacist as a coach is simply no substitute to having Benny working his magic around the club.

On to my tips for this week –

Essendon vs Hawthorn. Essendon have a good chance if Kennett has provided any motivational speeches to the Hawthorn playing group during the week. A speech by Kennett is about as effective on team morale as a dose of botulism.

Frankly, most of the shoe salesmen and property development types that turn up at the Hawthorn President’s Lunch on game day use the time consumed by Kennett’s address to jam their fingers down their throat.

This allows for a much more comfortable afternoon of over consumption of cheap wine, meatless party pies, reconstituted deep fried animal gristle and stale scones.

The Hawthorn club song should be to the tune of grinding teeth, the rendition accompanied by the chorus of “REEEEECH!!”

Essendon will win because Kennett just won’t shut up.

Geelong vs Sydney . Geelong is run by a major player in the green grocery industry. The players have to eat all their veggies.

Sydney needs to get Leanne Edelsten back to help harden up the resolve of the entire team. Hardening them up one, maybe 2 players, at a time, certainly no more than 3 at once. Do they call it a “resolve” in Sydney ? (remember this? – http://www.theage.com.au/ftimages/2007/09/14/1189276957577.html).

Those were the days that football club presidents contributed meaningfully to the morale of the club.

People in Sydney don’t have any morals. Geelong will win easily.

Richmond vs Brisbane . I think the Richmond players will perform at the level required to ensure that their supporters refrain from spitting at them as they depart the ground. That’s about as good as things ever get at Tigerland.

Richmond will fall over the line, Ben Cousins will check the quality of the line.

Tiger supporters will have to save their phlegm until next week, when they play Port. Now that will be a big game. It raises an important question for the football community – who has the more feral supporters? The game next week will help sort out the answer.

While some may find amusement in the injury to Matthew Richardson, I certainly don’t! He’s a Richmond character through and through – he blames his mates if he doesn’t take a mark. I think he’d lob a mouthful of phlegm at them if the cameras weren’t on. There should be more of it, particularly at Richmond , and I believe there is at training.

North vs Port Adelaide. North are very much like Port.

Wayne Carey should have finished his career with them, rather than Adelaide . Have you seen the step mum of the Cornes boys? She is ideal for Wayne , and after all Carey is quite experienced in resisting arrest, so he certainly has a future as a skills coach at Port. Given the talent off the field, I think he’ll coach for free.

The North “shin boner” tradition is entirely consistent with the preference of Port Adelaide players and supporters for raw meat. Port players enjoy eating raw meat (that they’ve slaughtered with their bare fists), so I think Port will get up.

Carlton vs Fremantle. Weren’t we all laughing last week as Brendon Fevola hit the post with the kick that should have won the match for DIck Pratt? Fevola should grow up; otherwise he’ll never be Chief Marketing & Luncheon Director with Visy.

I think Fremantle will be 5 goals up with 10 minutes to play; they’ll then lose by 2 goals.

Adelaide vs Western Bulldogs. Adelaide are front runners. They are an artificial club, created by the SANFL marketing department. They don’t deserve the success they’ve had so far, and karma means they’re in for a decade of wallowing near the bottom of the ladder. I can’t wait for the next decade.

Bulldogs will win, because they are pathetic losers who win when they shouldn’t.

West Coast vs Melbourne . Traditionally both amateur and professional pharmacists have had a big influence at the Eagles. They should be sponsored by Bex. Melbourne are broke and they have an unknown and totally unsuccessful coach. They’re going nowhere except in reverse. So I’m tipping Melbourne to win easily.

Collingwood vs St Kilda. St Kilda have improved since they got rid of their celebrity president. They now have one that no one knows. This is as it should be.

Collingwood love the celebrities. That’s because their fans are very, very stupid people who watch too much television. Collingwood supporters only read the TV guide; they move their lips during this activity, as they find it mentally challenging.

My tip is that Natalie Bassingthwaighte or Dannie Minogue will replace Eddie McGuire as president by the end of the season.

St Kilda will win by about 20 goals.

Well that’s it from me, hopefully – next week James can return.

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15 Responses

  1. “Richmond will fall over the line, Ben Cousins will check the quality of the line. ”

    lol, nice post Tom. I really enjoyed the way that you set out to offend supporters of every team; although a little more religious intolerance would have been appreciated by me in order to spice the thread up.

    “They don’t deserve the success they’ve had so far, and karma means they’re in for a decade of wallowing near the bottom of the ladder. I can’t wait for the next decade.”

    Bwahahaha, very, very doubtful.
    Now if you’d focussed upon the impending insolvency of the Port Adelaide Power you may have gained some credibility. They’re in dire financial straits, because the majority of right-minded people hate them & understandably won’t go to their games. I predict that in the not too distant future many of the players & members will suffer the repossession of their hoon cars.

  2. Good point Toiletboss. I think Port supporters having their hoon cars repossessed should be a feature for next week.

    Richmond v Port, feral hoon v feral hoon. That will be a difficult game to tip.

    Re Leanne Edelsten, link didn’t copy, so for all those that are nostalgic for celebrity footy wives please refer to –

    http://www.theage.com.au/ftimages/2007/09/14/1189276957577.html

  3. Not on topic for AFL but did anyone see the UEFA Cup match yesterday morning between Chelsea & Barcelona?

    Stolen at the death by Barcelona sparking some of the most full-on attacks on the umpire I’ve ever seen in any sport (barring local sport where the umpires actually get assaulted sometimes).
    unfknblvbl!
    Ballack & Drogba really lost their shit & Drogba harried the umpy all the way off of the field screaming “it’s a f@cking disgrace” into the live TV cameras. Unprofessional & sure to prompt consequence.

    Today the umpy has an armed escort & is apparently getting death threats at his home in Norway.

    I love the World Game.

    http://www.foxsports.com.au/story/0,,25446997-23209,00.html

  4. ……………. & is apparently getting death threats at his home in Norway.

    Toiletboss, on May 8th, 2009 at 11:26 am Said:

    Probably courtesy of Damir Dokic

  5. lol.

    Yeah, or Roman Ibramovich.

  6. One day Tom will tell us who he supports, or does he have a problem admitting who it is?

    My highlight of the week, after Port making the Crows grovel, was the toasting that Crackers Keenan gave the Crows.

    When questions were raised as to why the stadium wasn’t full for the derby, he blamed this squarely on the Crow’s supporters, suggesting that they were too bloody precious to go to a Port home game.

    But he continued that they don’t serve up anything appealing to the crowd anyway, labelling them as the most boring and one-dimensional team in existance.

    Cracker’s a sage.

  7. I’m guessing Tom was a Fitzroy supporter.

  8. NRL tips for this week (after yet another piss poor lot of results last week). AS I said, if you want to score more than 50% in your tipping comps, tip the opposite of me.

    Aus v New Zealand: Bloody Kiwi’s thrash us in every game that counts, world cup final, tri Nations final etc (actually not etc, that’s about the only two games they have ever beaten us in!). This game doesn’t count so Australia will romp it in. Benji Marshall will get injured in the 15th minute and be out for the rest of the season. Thurston 2 minutes later probably for half the season.

    NSW City v Country: I’m a country bloke so Country it is. Plus it’s at Bathurst and that’s a f’n cold joint – city kids are too soft – another reason to tip country.

    Cowboys v Dragons
    Tom’s rednecks didn’t get up last week; no idea why, they were playing only playing the Eels. Walrus’s Dragons did win (strangely, I actually predicted that one and the closeness as well) last week. Because Thurston is backing up from Friday and as I said, he’ll be injured, Dragons will romp this one in. Sailor to score a hat trick and be a last minute inclusion in the Maroons for Origin.

    Broncos v Eagles
    I’ve given up trying to tip when the Sea Eagles will finally win without Stewart. This week isn’t it though. Eagles have 6 players backing up from Friday and the Broncos only 4. Broncos to do it easily with one proviso – only if Wallace and/or Lockyer play – Manly to win if they don’t.

    Knights v Titans
    Titans will be almost at full strength because the Aussie selectors are dumb and didn’t pick Prince. Newcastle have too many players backing up and Mullins is sure to get injured even more than he already is. Titans to win simply because the Jets have already one in Newcastle at EA Stadium this week and there is only enough luck in that ground for one Newcastle team a week to win.

    Roosters v Storm
    The Roosters suck, they only won last week because they played a team that sucked even more then they did. You know a team really sucks when they have relief on their faces after winning against a team that sucks so much, it is for sale and no one want it. The Storm have a couple of players backing up but they’re tough and it is 3 days later. Storm to inflict cruel and unusual punishment on the Roosters. Predicted score: 150 – nil (with Roosters crying Mercy at the 45 minute mark).

    At least with the truncated round I can only get 6 wrong this week.

  9. Miglo, while you may naturally support a hoon team, you have made some very incisive comments about Adelaide.

    Keenan is correct Adelaide is very soft. Though it is understandable that anyone would have difficulty getting motivated to play Port.

  10. So…the shin-boner spirit (reeetch!) beat the criminal urge.

  11. I’m gunning for you Tboss.

  12. Another magnificent home game performance by the Crows.

  13. Hmmm.

    Yes they’re having a shit run at home this year. Haven’t won there yet.

    The next month is also very ugly for them.
    But they’re not puffing out their chests & pretending to be good like Portscum try once a fortnight.

  14. “gunning” eh?

  15. I told ya’s, tip against me and you’ll do well. I got the Test match right but zip from the rest.

    And Manly went and won in the first week I tipped against them.

    TB, I gave your blokes too much credit it seems.

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